A Failing Optimism
by XX-Samantha-XX
Summary: Long Tag to Boxed in, very angsty. Tony thinks on the events and his position on the team, what will he do, will he leave? **NOW COMPLETE**
1. Defence mechanism

_As usual I don't own the characters, sigh. _

_Basically this is my own version of what Tony may have been thinking after Boxed in, I must say he looked rather hurt when I re-watched the episode. **Warnings for a lot of angst and maybe a few scenes/mentions of abuse**. I will get round to my other stories as soon as possible and I do have a new idea too but I'm not going to post that until it is done. This just wanted to be written, I'm not sure where this is going to go yet but please to let me know what you think. The title is completely random lol it sounded very cool. _

**A Failing Optimism **

So, there it was, he had been excluded by the people he had come to trust, people who had become closer than his real family ever had. _When had that happened_, he wondered. Years ago he had told himself that nobody was going to get that close again and he meant _nobody_. He couldn't afford to take the chance; they would only hurt him anyway. Somehow, this time he had believed them when they seemed to care, believed them when they said they were his friends, even believed Gibbs. That was what hurt the most; the person he trusted the most had been apart of what was slowly eating away at his well built defences. He knew that in some way it must have been his fault, wasn't it always?

He couldn't have stopped the brief look of hurt that crossed his face, but like always his ever optimistic-carefree nature came back in full force, along with his defence mechanism and they had bought it as well. Sometimes he wished that people would look beyond the surface, maybe that's what hurt the most. It was like they didn't even care, and hadn't seen the look of hurt. But of course though, everything was just peachy in DiNozzo's world, they thought they knew him so well. He thought that Gibbs was good at reading him, he had been in the past, but now he hadn't even looked up from his desk. Not one look, one gesture to make sure he was okay, just nothing. Tony berated himself for the pathetic thought that people may care about him, now he knew where he stood on Gibbs' team, he wasn't needed. His own father was right, he _was_ worthless.

What the hell was he going to do now? Could he even face work tomorrow knowing that they thought the same as his father? Would they care if he was gone? He sighed and rolled over on his bed, dim pain flared up his injured arm, at least something hurt rather than the numb feeling that had been festering. He could almost hear his father's angry tone, telling him that it was only a matter of time before he screwed up again, just like in Baltimore and Philadelphia. What was making the decision to leave so hard this time? Of course he knew why, he cared about them in his own way but damn it he cared and he couldn't help but hope they cared a little.

He laughed a little too forcefully at the word he had used often. Hope. Ever since he was little he had hoped that someone would care enough to notice him. Why did everyone think he was just trying to get attention? He laughed again, because that's what he had been doing too, trying to get attention in anyway possible in hope that someone would acknowledge his presence. Then there was the hope that he would never, ever disappoint Gibbs. _That,_ would be worse than getting yelled at and worse than just getting a head slap for getting off track. He knew that if he did ever manage to disappoint Gibbs, then Gibbs would most likely not trust him anymore.

This thought forced him to look at his other issue, trust. He could trust these people with his life but not his secrets; if they found out they would judge him and think he was pathetic. Pathetic for thinking that work colleagues could possible be family. Of course the rest of the team had families. Well, all except Gibbs but even Gibbs had ducky and sure Ziva's father was by no means the best, he still loved her. So what exactly was stopping him from just going, everyone had someone to talk to if they decided to miss him, which he had now decided they wouldn't, how selfish did that sound. His father's voice echoed in his mind.

"_You're a worthless, selfish brat" his father had yelled after hitting him and pushing him to the ground, "you will never amount to anything" his father had continued, then the final nail in the coffin. "You will end up in the gutter". His father had sneered after another one of his lessons. _

The memory forced him to sigh again. He _had_ actually ended up in the gutter once; Gibbs and Kate had come to rescue him, and then Gibbs had told him he was irreplaceable. Then McGee had been sitting at his desk and Gibbs had thrown that comment at him about telling McGee to forget about it because he had still been alive. Had Gibbs even meant what he had said? At the time he had shook it off because he saw the way Gibbs had smiled after the comment. He believed, no, _hoped_ that Gibbs had still wanted him and he did, because McGee hadn't stayed around much longer than needed at the time. Maybe, he should have cut all ties then, it may have been easier than now.

His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his cell. He looked briefly at the caller ID; it was Gibbs. He just let his phone ring until it stopped. He knew that he would pay for it when he went into work tomorrow but he just couldn't find it within himself to care at the moment.

What would he tell them, tell Gibbs? Wouldn't Gibbs be disappointed for just quitting? He just didn't know what to think anymore. He decided that he wasn't going to be getting anymore sleep tonight, he forced his tired body onwards and went for a run he knew he would regret later…

TBC

Oh dear, what will happen at work the next day, will he get to work, you will have to wait and see.

A/N Edited a little to get rid of little mistakes. Thanks annsan.


	2. Arms' Length

_Thanks for all the reviews so fast and story alerts, they made me smile. Now for the next chapter…_

**Chapter 2**

"You wanna tell me why you didn't answer your phone last night?" Gibbs growled as he passed Tony's desk.

Tony knew that this question had been coming and had already figured out an answer. "I guess I was asleep, Boss, like normal people at night." Gibbs glared at the witty come back, seeing the look Tony backed down a bit. "Won't happen again boss." Tony stated with his defensive bright smile. Tony thought that was it but by Gibbs' look he knew more was coming; he had pissed Gibbs off a lot recently. What with being framed for murder as well in the last month. He must have been a disappointment to the agency by now.

"Damn right it won't happen again! The next time you're unreachable don't bother coming back to work in the morning." With that Gibbs walked towards MTAC.

Tony didn't have long to think about it as Ziva stepped off the elevator. He put his mask firmly back in place, as if the comment hadn't affected him, even though it did. The little hope he had clung on to while running last night was that he would always have his job in some way, now, he wasn't so sure that it was safe. That little fact just made him feel more worthless. If he couldn't do his job he couldn't help people, which, contrary to popular belief, he did care about and like doing.

"Thinking about a woman Tony?" asked Ziva curiously.

"What, no, I do think about other things, Zee-vah" to this she laughed. He of course ignored it, it wasn't like he cared what they said now. He already knew they didn't want him.

About an hour later…

Having gotten back from MTAC to find his team working for a change shocked Gibbs; he usually had to stop DiNozzo from his childish antics. He found the reason immediately. DiNozzo wasn't anywhere to be found. What the hell was DiNozzo up to? Was he trying to push his buttons recently or what? He had found himself shouting at the younger agent more since he and Ziva had been trapped in that shipping container. He knew that he had been harsh towards the two; there was a reason it was called tough love after all. They had just worried him; he didn't want to lose any of his agents. Not if he could help it.

"Where the hell is DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked McGee and Ziva.

"Erm…ahh…well" stuttered McGee

"Spit it out, McGee!" Gibbs shouted.

"He said he had to go to the head." replied McGee. Gibbs merely growled then sat at his desk.

Seeing that Gibbs was in a really bad mood, McGee and Ziva quietly got back to work. Ziva couldn't help but think that there was something wrong with Tony. His bright smile this morning hadn't reached his eyes, which themselves looked troubled. Not that she thought anything could trouble the carefree agent. She pushed her doubts away as he came back to the bullpen wearing a disarmingly bright grin.

For the next couple of hours DiNozzo had pushed everyone's buttons, especially with Gibbs. Gibbs didn't like Tony when he got hyper, like he was being. Tony had a tendency to goof off but he still got work done. This time, however, he didn't seem to be getting _any_ work done. Gibbs was starting to get royally pissed, but also concerned. He could see that Tony was overcompensating, yet for the life of him he couldn't figure out why. Some of Tony's comments recently had kept people at arms' length. Why was he only realising now? He knew that Tony's arm still bugged him a little; he had seen the younger agent wince when others hadn't been looking. Tony hadn't complained once though- _that_ is what worried him the most, usually Tony complained over a paper cut. Tony was only ever quiet when something was badly wrong. He pushed away these thoughts, he figured that if his agent had a problem then Tony would speak to him. He had no need to get involved for the moment. Did he?

Gibbs was just about to shout at DiNozzo for the third time that morning when his phone rang. After listening to the person on the other end, he turned to his team.

"Go home and pack; we're going to be away for a couple of days." Everyone's eyebrows rose. They hadn't had to packed for a case in a while. Gibbs could see the excitement in Ziva and McGee; in Tony, he could see a little fear too. _What the hell?_ He thought. Where had that come from?

All Tony could think of was, how the hell was he going hide from his boss' glare now. How was he going to not mess up and disappoint Gibbs this time? would Gibbs even want him to stay if he couldn't be professional like Gibbs had said earlier? He wasn't even professional enough to work quietly. His fathers voice echoed again in his mind.

_"You're worthless, nobody is going to care when you die."_

He really was starting to believe everything his father had taught him. But, he still clung to the hope that maybe somebody cared. Maybe, just maybe he would see it in this case when they were working closely together…

TBC

_I know not much happened in this chapter and it was really short but bare with me. Hmm why is Tony scared to be spending time with the team on a case, now Ziva and Gibbs are a little suspicious. You will have to wait and see. _


	3. The Walls start to crumble

_Well I wasn't expecting such a strong response for this story; I mean wow all the alerts and reviews thanks lots. Now for the next chapter…_

**Chapter 3- The Walls start to crumble **

Tony knew that he seemed distracted on the way to the crime scene, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't try to project the image that nothing was wrong. After all showing that something was wrong wasn't the DiNozzo way; it was a sign of weakness. The first hour or so of the journey was filled with his usual chatter, to which Gibbs had yelled so he kept quiet. Usually, Gibbs would allow for some sort of chatter on the way, of course telling them to shut up when the comments strayed in to things that he didn't want to be hearing. Anyone could tell that there was tension in the car. Maybe, it was just Tony feeling it though, McGee and Ziva seemed their usual selves. Or, they just didn't notice. Tony knew that Gibbs was watching him but he couldn't actually see what the looks were, he wouldn't have believed them anyway. Gibbs was sending angry but somewhat concerned looks to his senior field agent.

Gibbs was angry and concerned, and he didn't like it. He could tell that something was off with his team and he knew that it had something to do with Tony, but again he couldn't think of why. The team had seemed to be bonding recently, which had been hard to do at the start. They didn't know if they could trust Ziva yet. So when Ziva had invited them all over for dinner, he had seen the tension ebb away…Wait, they hadn't all been there. Tony hadn't been there. Maybe, that was what was wrong. Maybe, Tony had been jealous that he hadn't been invited when everyone else had. He vaguely remembered that Abby had felt a little guilty the day after they had gotten them back but he'd thought nothing of it. Why did Abby feel guilty? Did she know something he didn't? His anger took over the concern that had been building. Was Tony keeping secrets from him? He hated that one of his own team was hiding something from him. That led to not being able to trust them.

He seethed as he pressed the accelerator a little harder than necessary. Driving them towards a crime they knew nothing about so far, and away from anything that was familiar to them. Why Gibbs had decided to drive all the way to the crime scene was beyond any of them, maybe, he wanted to keep a close eye on his team. After all, it had only been a week or two since the shipping container incident. Nope, he wasn't letting them out of his sight for a little while longer.

Tony was silent for the remainder of the road trip. Again he found him self hoping that the others would care enough to ask him if he was okay, or anything that would show they cared. And again, he found that they remained in their own worlds oblivious to him actually being quiet for once. He found that the more they seemed not to care the more he found himself retreating in to the dark little hole in his mind; this caused the ever optimistic persona to be forced out. Almost like a protective wall. He wanted to stop with that, he really did, but nobody would stay around him if he showed who he really was. They would think him weak and kick him to the curb. Not that they hadn't done that anyway with their exclusion of him from their plans.

Staring intently outside he tried to find something to take his mind off his wonderings, anything that could take his mind off the fact that if something went wrong on this case then it would be his fault. Everything was in the end anyway, just like his father had said. Anything bad that happened was his fault. He knew it, everyone knew it, and even his team did now. His so called optimistic façade was crumbling around him in the presence of the people who had hurt him. He needed to build his defences back up but he couldn't, not anymore. He had been surviving for so long on hopes and dreams of a life that he projected but never actually believed he would get. His father had taught him that. Dreams were for weak people and weak people weren't to be associated with the DiNozzo name. Maybe, this was why he always seemed to be getting all those 'lessons' from his father. He was weak. He deserved it for not being the son his father had wanted. Just liked he deserved not being included in his 'friends'' plans, he would have only wrecked it anyway.

It scared him that the team would be so close to him for the next few days, if they saw the after effects of some nightmares they would laugh and tease, he deserved that too. That is what he did to them; he teased and played pranks on them. He only meant to make them stronger, but they didn't know his motives, which he supposed was his fault too. It's not like he told them he didn't mean it in a malicious way. So why, when they teased, did it look like they meant it? Was he deluding himself thinking that they were his friends from the start? Was he alone again?

Of course he was, his own family had made sure of that. He was truly pathetic now. He was weak for thinking he ever had anybody. Anybody that he got close to ended up dead or they would just up and leave when he needed somebody to care just a little. He truly was alone. Again he became mad at thinking his was worthy of anyone's care. He knew that his control was slipping; he needed to pull himself together. He wasn't this weak. Was he? Of course he was though and he was only now starting to see it.

Thinking back, he tried to grasp at happy memories, anything that could pull him out of his stupor. When he had done a good job in the past he might get an approving look from Gibbs, but that was when Kate was there. Was he to blame for her death too? Now, anything he did was expected of him. Even when he had had the idea about tracking the low-jack on the vehicle that Gibbs had shot up when trying to get the kidnappers of Zach's father the other month. Gibbs had said well done to McGee, thinking that it was probie that had done it because it was technology related. He could never have thought of that, he was just an ex-cop who apparently was only good for leg work. Sure, they had all cared when he had been beaten up while on the undercover op with Ziva. Had it just been an act? Was he losing his investigator skills? Could he tell if they were lying to him?

Yeah he was lying to them, telling them everything was okay when it wasn't but that was his protection from getting hurt again. He would live in his own world if he could, but now he couldn't ignore the doubt and the fear that festered within him. In some way he wanted them to push him and ask what was wrong but he knew that if he told them it would make things awkward and they wouldn't know what to say. The silence would speak for it's self and he would run. Run with only a glance back, because this time it would mean leaving Abby. Abby was the best friend that he'd never really had, he didn't want to hurt her by leaving, but he could no longer see staying as an option. Even Abby hadn't fought in his corner when it came down to his exclusion from the dinner party.

Again this thought lead to the feelings of disappointment and even guilt at hurting someone else. He would only have himself to blame. He felt guilty for many things already, surely one more thing wouldn't make it worse. Would it? He would disappoint Gibbs if he left. But Gibbs could replace him easily, even if Gibbs had called him irreplaceable at one point. Tony wasn't sure what to believe anymore. His doubts and fears were crushing his last hope of a normal existance. How much longer could he really go on like this?

Upon having reached the crime scene, Gibbs' anger had abated somewhat. He had to concentrate on the case for now, he could speak to his agent at the hotel later, and that was if Tony was willing to speak. There were two things bothering the older agent; one Tony had actually listened for and change and stayed quiet, and two all Tony had done for the remaining part of the journey was stare aimlessly at the countryside surrounds out of the window, looking a little lost. Of all the looks he had seen cross Tony face, he had only seen that one once before on that damned rooftop. He needed to get to the bottom of this and quick before Tony decided to run. He just hoped that the case wasn't going to be the cause of his agent running and that it wouldn't take all of his time. Time that he knew Tony needed from him. He usually didn't get involved in his agent's personal lives but for Tony, the friendships and his job were Tony's life. Tony didn't have anyone else to fall back on.

TBC

_Well what's going to happen now that they are at the crime scene. I do have a question to ask, I have another story planned about Tony's past that could be worked into this one but I am not sure whether it would be too much for the story line. So should I combine the two and create a somewhat involved and big story or keep them separate. Thanks for reading and please review._


	4. Fighting to live and not give up

_Okay so I decided to split the stories up, the other is called 'Best Forgotten', and is up to chapter 2 at the moment. I hope you all go look at that if you haven't already. So here is the next chapter for this one._

**Fighting to live and not give up.**

Over the years the feelings of worthlessness had been built upon, until finally, anytime he did have a problem he wouldn't seek any help, not thinking himself worthy of the trouble he would cause them. It hadn't just been the actual words of 'You're worthless', it had the actions too. Mostly he had been ignored as a child, his own family not caring enough to even notice him. When he wasn't ignored he was told and shown what a disappointment he was. He wasn't sure which was worse. Did he prefer the 'lessons' over being ignored? Did he deserve the lessons for not being the son his father had wanted?

Somewhere along the line, through all the lessons he had found his reason to live, reason to fight. At the time it had been so he could get out of the control of his father and show him how he wasn't a screw up. Now, he fought to please Gibbs, he wouldn't freely admit that he sees Gibbs as more of a father than his own was, but it was true. Even trying to please Gibbs, it wasn't enough to keep going anymore, anything he had done recently hadn't pleased Gibbs. Maybe, Gibbs would want him gone.

He'd decided long ago that he would not give up until he got what he wanted, but what he had wanted then and what he wanted now were different. He wanted a normal life, one with people who he cared for and would care for him. Before NCIS he hadn't found that, elsewhere he had only found judgment. He had left when the judgement had gotten too far and made him feel excluded. He wanted NCIS to be his last stop, wanted it to be his hope, and it had been at the start. But, he of all people knew how fragile hope was.

Realising that the car was slowing down he got in to work mode, his best act yet, even if he did say so himself. Upon arriving at the crime scene Gibbs gave out his usual orders and the team got to work.

The crime seemed to be straight forward enough; some trace evidence was collected and bagged. Any statements were taken. Common to all was the fact that the petty officer had seemed to have been having a few problems recently, though none were forthcoming as to finding out why. Tony taking his own initiative and using his well know charm, started talking to a very nice looking neighbour. She had heard the petty officer speak of someone else in his unit, apparently they hated each other.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs shouted, Tony flinched a little at the tone. It was similar to that of his fathers when he was just about to be taught a lesson. Tony smiled a little nervously at the neighbour and walked back towards his boss.

"Coming boss!" he called back. He tried to avoid the glare sent his way from his boss and also, tried to ignore the smug smiles of his team mates. He struggled to let the hurt the looks caused go.

"You ready to actually work now." Gibbs growled. Gibbs whished he could take the comment back as soon as he saw the look of hurt cross his agents face. His agent's response worried him, it sounded almost submissive.

"Yes boss." With that Tony started to walk away. Gibbs sighed and gave in to the gut feeling that Tony may have been working, even though it looked like he hadn't been.

"Tony?" Tony stopped for a moment at the use of his first name, "Did you get anything from the neighbour?"

Hope sparked within Tony again, maybe Gibbs did need him a little, only he could get anything and everything out of a witness with an ease that other agents envied. Gibbs saw a twinkle return to his agent's eyes, he was shocked to find that he hadn't even noticed it had been missing until its return. If he really thought about it, the spark had been missing since Tony being excluded. Was he that much of a Bastard for not noticing that one of his own agents wasn't happy? The fact that it was Tony made him feel guiltier. Tony was like a son to him, yet he seemed not to be able to show it as freely as with Abby, maybe, he needed to change that.

"Yes boss, it seems that our petty officer wasn't getting along with one of the others in his unit. I got his address too; I could go check him out if you want." Tony asked with a little joy coming back into his voice, maybe, he could do something useful. Gibbs took too long to answer, doubt creeped up on Tony, Gibbs didn't want to send him, he'd only mess it up anyway. He was sure of it. He didn't even know why he bothered to hope anymore. "You know what boss…ah… never mind… it was a bad idea anyway…I'll just get back to work." Tony sighed, his eyes not reaching his boss's worried ones and started to walk away.

Gibbs was momentarily shock at the level of insecurity he could see in Tony. In all the years they had worked together, he didn't think that he had ever seen such a lost look in the younger man's eyes and heard such vulnerability in his words. He had seen glimpses in the past but not as much as now. Usually it had been after a particular hard case or something had happened to the younger agent while on a case. Gibbs had the feeling that this damage had been done a while ago and over the space of years, but it was so easy to believe that Tony had had the perfect life with the way he acted on the surface. Had he really seen the real Tony DiNozzo? Gibbs cursed in his mind and tried to find something to salvage the current situation. Before Tony ran.

"Tony?" Gibbs waited for Tony to turn back, what he didn't expect was for the younger man's head to drop as if expecting some punishment or accusation. Something in his gut was screaming at him to fix this but he didn't know how. What was it Tony had said about the case? "DiNozzo, go question that other guy, see what you can get out of him," again his gut was telling him to say more, but what more could he say, "Good job, DiNozzo."

With that Tony's head turned sharply around looking for any sign that his boss had been joking, finding none, he gave Gibbs a brief genuine smile. He couldn't believe it though, could he? Gibbs could just be acting like he cared, after he left surely Gibbs, Ziva and McGee would be laughing about it. Laughing at the joke that he was, the failure that he was. His smile wavered a little. He headed out of the crime scene and towards the address he'd written down earlier.

Gibbs sighed as he watched his agent go, he was cursing all the people who had put all the insecurity into his agent, but he wasn't any closer in figuring out who it had been. He noticed that Ziva had been watching the little interaction. He could see in her eyes that she too had noticed the change in Tony, but Ziva being the one that had actually hurt him, left it to Gibbs to try and fix. He needed Abby, she would know what to do, she always seemed to know what everyone needed as did Ducky. But, they weren't here, so he would have to try his best. He knew that he hadn't a chance in hell to fix everything wrong with his agent, but he could at least start…

TBC

_I know it was a short chapter but the next will be longer Hehe at least Gibbs wants to help now but will Tony let him and is Tony really safe going on his own to that persons house?_


	5. Running From The Dependency On Others

_Hehe I do love the fact that this has gotten 100 alerts so thanks muchly to all those keeping track of this story so far. I'd love to know what more of you think but I just happy knowing your there. Thanks to all the reviews so far too. On with the next chapter then…_

**Chapter 5- Running from the dependency on others**

Having a goal in mind he concentrated fully on finding out as much information as he could, he wouldn't fail, not again. To the outside world he worked well with everyone, he was good at getting information. But, when the attention was turned to him and the questions became too close to what he was trying to hide, he changed the subject, keeping them from asking too many things, keeping them away from who he really was. Away from how pathetic and worthless he was.

There was one thing bugging him though, why did Gibbs send him on his own? Yes, he did do his best work when there wasn't an audience around but what if the guy was a dangerous suspect? What if Gibbs just wanted him gone? Had Gibbs just been faking concern? Did he really even care? He wanted to believe, to hope that it was Gibbs' confidence in his abilities at getting information.

Since when had he cared what anyone thought about him, he'd done just fine on his own since he was twelve. When had he become so dependant on others that he couldn't function on his own. He was a grown man, why couldn't he function anymore? Had he really dealt with what his own family had done, or had he just been hiding it behind that damn façade of his? Again though he knew the answers, he wanted a family, one that would care. But, even the one that he had found didn't care enough to know him well enough to know that the exclusion hurt him so. Abby like a caring sister had felt bad at first but then forgotten thinking he'd get over it. Gibbs hadn't said _anything, _thinking he'd deal with it in his usual way. Ziva smiled at him in a way that showed him just how much she didn't care that she'd managed to hurt his feelings, thinking he didn't have any to hurt. McGee, like always just looked too smug for his own good, thinking about how he had gotten on up on Tony for a change.

He was angry at himself for letting it all come down to some that in the grand scheme of things was only small. He was angry at them for not including him, even though he needed them. Angry, at losing the little control he had left over his own life. What sort of person needed to be needed like he did. _That's right, a weak one damn it_ he scolded himself. His father was right, had always been right. Now, Gibbs was trying to get rid of him, of course he was, Gibbs didn't need or want to look after someone so weak, his marine side would have cast him out years ago, so why had Gibbs even hired him in the first place? To give him hope? Had his father hired Gibbs on purpose to show him how weak he was? Was he so stupid that he hadn't realised until now? Could he really trust Gibbs or the others anymore? Were the others in on it too?

Shaking his head to clear away all the thought that had suddenly crept up on him, Tony realised that he was outside of the stated address. He hadn't been concentrating on anything, people gave him odd looks as they passed, he wondered how long he had been thinking. This wasn't good, despite the fact that he didn't know that he could trust Gibbs he still had the need to solve the case, just to prove that he could do something. Still had the need to prove himself to Gibbs. Did he really need to anymore though? Was it what he wanted anymore? What exactly was it he wanted?

The sun trailing across the sky, intent on setting took the light away along with his last remaining hope. Leaving him in the dullness of dusk, a haze was created by the remains of the light, leaving his view of the world distorted. Not feeling the light breeze through his hair, becoming numb to reality, the anger from before fading with the rest of his emotions. He stepped up and knocked on the door of the man he was to question. He would at least see this investigation through, even if it was the last.

About an hour later…

As his vision darkened and he clung to life, he wondered why he was struggling to stay awake, he'd failed. No two words about it. He'd done the one thing that he'd hope he'd never do, he'd failed Gibbs. So why was he still tethered to life when there wasn't anything for him to live for. He'd let the bad guy surprise him, let him get away. The last case he had wanted to complete before he left again, to start somewhere new, and he'd failed. That's all he was, a failure. His fathers smirking face popped up in his mind sneering at him, taunting him. Telling him just to give up. Yet he still clung.

He reached a shaking hand for his cell phone, his decreasing breaths coming harsh and shallow. Pressing for the speed dial and waiting for the familiar tone of his boss' disappointment, his breaths becoming shallower with every second that passed, the darkness creeping more into his vision as he was left alone to his fate. He knew that in the end he would have been alone…but he'd hoped that someone would miss him. They hadn't the last time, so why would they now?

"_Gibbs."_ Said the terse voice.

"B-b-boss…I'm sorry… I f-f-failed…" the words coming out ragged. He had wanted to say more, wanted to tell them what they had done, but he had no more time. The phone slipped out of his blood covered hand; he didn't have the energy to pick it back up. The last thing Tony DiNozzo heard before his vision darkened was his own laboured breathing and his boss' panicked voice.

"_DiNozzo! Tony? Can you hear me? Tony?" _

TBC

_I realise that you will all hate me for leaving it there but it just came to me as I was writing the chapter. There will be another chapter maybe more. I am really sorry about it. I do hope you will stick around for the next chapter that will be out later today. _


	6. The Fragility Of Hope

_As promised the next chapter, I was amazed by the speedy reviews this morning so thanks all. _

**Chapter 6- The fragility of hope**

"_B-b-boss…I'm sorry… I f-f-failed…"_

The words stuck in his head, not letting him rest, as if taunting him, almost blaming him for the defeat in the voice. But, the blame did belong on his shoulders; he had sent him on his own. No back up, nothing. That was against his _own_ rules; they had partners for a reason, to watch each others backs. He had just watched as his agent isolated himself away from the team more and not done anything. The guilt was back like some rabid dog, gnawing at him, not letting go. Why should it? It was his fault after all. Not even his shouts,…begging? Down the phone would be enough to save his agent, he needed to be there, needed to…apologise? Tell Tony what he meant to him. The whole team did. Did Tony believe he didn't care? Again the voice in his head and gut was telling that it was his fault, his goddamned marine façade destroying the hopes of his best agent.

The guilt and pain made him drive faster; they needed to get there now, they wouldn't survive losing Tony, not in the same year they'd lost Kate. With the crime scene finished, they had been at the hotel when Tony called Gibbs. The silence within the car was in contrast to the emotions of the people within. Thoughts, images, memories swirling in their minds, showing them what they had done. That this was the effect if their ignorance. They pushed away a friend, part of their family.

McGee, having seen Gibbs' panic knew something was wrong, and it had something to do with Tony. Tony was always getting in trouble, getting hurt, but he always bounced back. Didn't he? But… the tone in Gibbs voice, the desperation terrified him. Gibbs was never so desperate, never so scared. Was this the end that they had all been dreading? Could it have been avoid? If they had just taken more notice of Tony. Would he have tried everything to be needed? And that is what it came down to. McGee had been working with Tony long enough to know that he didn't have a family, the team was his family and they had left him out, making him feel excluded and alone. He couldn't imagine being left out of his own family like Tony had been, it was no wonder Tony hadn't been acting normal since that dinner party. McGee's own guilt over the matter increased, he'd acted smugly towards Tony since, happy to have finally got one up on the older agent. He all of a sudden realised that each and every time Tony had teased him it wasn't maliciously done, it was light-hearted banter and sometimes it even helped. He'd been misinterpreting Tony's actions for too long. He could only hope that Tony would bounce back now so they could fix it. If he didn't, how would they tell Abby it had partially been their own fault?

Ziva had been watching her partner closely since that incident in the shipping container; she'd seen some of his hurt looks afterwards. But like McGee she thought that he would get over it, being the care-free agent that he was, she'd thought nothing of not inviting him, thinking that he may talk too much about pointless things and that she just wanted a quiet dinner with friends. But… wasn't he a friend also? She tried figure out why he had reacted like someone who was jealous, then she remembered the dossiers that she had created of the team. He had no family, other than the one he had created at NCIS, there were things in the file that she was sure the others of the team didn't know, but she could understand why he didn't want to tell him. To him it must have looked like she had been taking the only family that cared about him. For that she was sorry, and she realised that she herself was a little jealous that he had that connection to everyone in NCIS while they still saw her as an outsider. But she was still new; Tony had already been there for years, she couldn't expect them to automatically like her, especially under the circumstances that she was hired.

As they passed each house searching for their friend, the tension only increased. The darkness outside creating a sense of stillness and death, no sense of hope, or light to guide them. The distorting fog creeping around them, as if they had only ever seen what they wanted, and not what they needed. The silence was getting suffocating, increasing their breaths as they waited in anticipation for the end. But what end would it be, good or bad?

Arriving at the address he had seen earlier Gibbs rushed out of the car, barely waiting until it had stopped. Ordering McGee and Ziva to clear the area he entered the house, each step getting heavier the closer he got. What was he getting closer to though? The place was a mess. Papers strewn about the floor, drops of crimson upon them, who's blood was it? Was he already too late? Knowing that Ziva and McGee had his back his guilt festered more, where had he been when Tony needed him? There was a coppery smell to the air that could only come from blood, clinging to his nose hairs and to his clothes. As he walked towards the back of the house the more the destruction became evident, maybe the guy had to run and Tony had gone after him. His foot tapped something hard and solid on the ground, it was Tony's weapon so where was Tony? Bigger blood drops were splatter near the weapon, Gibbs followed the trail.

It lead into a back room where he found his agent lying facedown, blood seeping from the side of him, stained the cream carpet. He rushed to his agent, almost falling as he sank to his knees beside his agent. He called out to Ziva and McGee telling them to ring an ambulance.

"Tony?" he asked trying to get a response, when he got nothing he shook him ever so gently.

"Come on Tony, open your eyes." Then he realised that he hadn't even checked for a pulse yet. He almost didn't want to know. Reaching Tony's neck he found a faint beating. Moving his agent a little so he could get a closer look at his wound, he gasped a little at the knife still embedded into his agent's side, just under the right side of his ribcage. Knowing not to remove it as it could quite possibly be saving his life he tried to get Tony's attention again. Lightly tapping his agent's head, know that it was this action that made him feel wanted. He got the response he wanted when Tony's eyes opened a faction, the green the dullest he'd seen, the pain clear. He looked surprised to see his boss there. Why surprise? Did he think that he would just be left alone? His agent's rasped words shocked him, even through the laboured breathing he could hear the utter defeat in them.

"W-w-why…are you… here…i-i- failed…you… shouldn't…care." Tony coughed, a little blood leaked out of the side of his mouth as he winced at the pain. Trying to hold Tony's gaze Gibbs gave up the marine façade, and spoke the words he had been wanting to say for so long. Tony looked away not wanting to see the disappointment. Gibbs grabbed his face gently.

"Please look at me, Tony?" he saw the shock at the use of the word please registered with his agent. The body beneath him trembled with pain, but looked at him with the last remains of all his hope, clinging on to Gibbs' words like a dog to an old bone.

"You're wrong Tony, I do care, you know me well enough to know that I'm bad at telling people I care, you don't exactly make it easy when you're always getting hurt." There it was, the spark behind the eyes, it was dim but it was back. There was still work to do to rid Tony's insecurities, if they could be gotten rid of all together. Tony struggled to speak again.

"S-so…tired" they both knew that it was more complex than just his current situation that he was tired of.

"I know Tony, its okay; just fight it for a little longer. We'll help you. We wouldn't have solved half the things we have if you weren't apart of the team. We need you. You got that?" the last words reminiscent of months ago when he'd had the plague. Tony nodded in shock at the string of nice words from his boss. Gibbs smiled a little at the almost childish glimmer in Tony's eyes, he hadn't said it directly, but in his own way Gibbs had said that he was proud of all Tony had done.

"I-I- gotcha-b-boss." He whispered as Gibbs held the hand that had been searching for something to cling to this life for. Just then the paramedics swarmed the house…

TBC

_As the last chapter was a Tony one, I wanted to do a mainly Gibbs one. I do hope you all liked it. Please read and review. _


	7. One step forwards, two steps back

_Ooo another chapter, so soon hehe, thanks for all the wonderful reviews so far. I thought I'd treat you to another chapter._** Warning: major angst. **_I told ya it wasn't over yet. _

**Chapter 7- One step forwards, two steps back**

Even with Gibbs as his anchor, he still couldn't believe that it was real… why couldn't it be real?...why? What was stopping it? He'd seen the sincerity in Gibbs' eyes but there was always something eating away at any sort of hope he had had in the past, always something his father had done or said to shatter, to break everything. He could feel the hope restored but it never had been for long, _never_. If he got comfortable something would come and send him spiralling down again, into darkness, pain and always guilt for not doing everything he could.

This time it had been a simple abandonment that he had deserved, last time it had been… Kate? He knew he shouldn't feel guilty over that one, he had watched it happen and saw it wasn't his fault but what if?... what if he could have been in her place it would have been better, she deserved life more than he did. Didn't she? _Didn't she?_ Why didn't _he_ deserve it? He knew why, he had failed, plain and simple, failed in his duties as an investigator, failed his boss, failed in life. Why couldn't everyone see that? Why did they care now? Why did they ever? They all looked like they did, before when they had been looking at him laying upon the hospital bed. They had all looked really sorry, but were they? There was still that doubt in his mind, lingering like the smell of smoke after a fire. The fire burned him, hurt him, but at least he felt. He had been going numb to everything, to life, to everyone around him.

All he had at the moment in the lonely hospital room was the pain, pain of failure. The longing to trust again, trust in people, in things. Trust that he didn't think would ever be lost. But he was lost, so damned lost he couldn't find his way back on his own, not now, not after everything. He needed help, but admitting to needing help was a weakness, he hated weakness. The fear that had been put in him for giving into weakness was relentless, he couldn't admit to needing. Could he? Where was Gibbs to quieten his mind, to be his anchor, where? Had he said his part an thought it was over, was that it, just those words so the almighty Gibbs wouldn't be left an agent down, so he could dodge all that paper work. Was he just a means to and end? But he had no means left to fight with and couldn't see the end, couldn't see the hope that had long been gone. Where had his 'family' gone, did they think soothing words would be enough? Be the thing that brought him back from the brink that he had already gone over. Maybe, if they had been in time to watch as he fell from the edge and then there to catch him it may have been enough then, but…but he was so far past the edge he couldn't see it. There was no light to guide him to the edge again, no anchor to pull him back, nothing to tether him to the life he had loved.

Physically he would be fine, but the doctors hadn't had him awake enough to assess his mental state, he was sure if they did they would throw him in a padded room and throw away the key so he could shrink in on himself more, just a vessel, just another washout agent of the government. Another of Gibbs' failures, rejects? No…he wouldn't stand there to be gotten rid of, he would be gone on his own terms, his own way, but which? What would he do? Did he have the courage to leave Gibbs after Gibbs had said all he did? But where was Gibbs now? Where was anyone? Why hadn't they come back yet? He knew that they still had a case to solve and Abby and Ducky were miles away but still, he had hoped that one would stay no matter what. There it was again, the hope that Gibbs was telling the truth, Gibbs had never lied to him, had he? Not that he could remember.

He was so confused, didn't know what to feel, to think. His grip on reality slipping, ever so slowly, from where he needed to be, the point he needed to be at to function. Where were they at his second fall, who was there to watch at his emotions all crashed and collided within him… where? The fear, the pain of failure, and loss of the family he had made here. The hopes and dreams that were crushed had been for years until Gibbs had saved him the last time in Baltimore. He hid it at the time but Gibbs had saved him then, saved him from that exclusion…but, where had he been now. Who was there to save him this time?

But, that begged a different question, did he even want to be saved, by theses…these people he had called family. Could he let them in again like he had before, could he stop his self-enforced isolation, could his mind stop the protection from the hurt, from the pain he couldn't handle? The walls were gone but he still couldn't talk, couldn't become truly dependant on others to help him, but he needed, wanted, but he couldn't, not after that memory he thought he'd forgotten. His dependency on his own mother had driven her to the way she had been, they way he had made her, he knew, he believed in every poisonous word that came out of his father mouth. Still believed it now, even though his investigator logic told him it wasn't his fault. If he became close to them, they could hurt him, but more importantly he could hurt them, he couldn't do it, wouldn't do it. He still cared, even after everything they'd done, he still cared. That's why he had to leave, to get away from here, far away.

And, he hated it, hated that Gibbs and the team had decided to care, yet they couldn't help him, he was too far gone to be saved now. He was lost in his sea of doubt, fear and pain, and all alone, couldn't ask for help. He could try and swim but at the end of it all he would, and could only fail. But, currently it hurt too much to move, all he could do was cry, so he did. The tether broken, the anchor gone his grip released as he lost his hold on the reality of it all, of everything. At first it was only one single tear but the gates had been opened and he sobbed, he needed to release all the emotions somehow, but crying was weak and weakness hurt. Even as he sat there he hurt, from his past, his failure. _Everything_. With no way to see a future, no way to hope for anything better. Just nothing and it terrified him.

Tony hadn't noticed when Gibbs had snuck in the room, Gibbs watched as the first tear fell and the mask shattered, his agent shattered and he couldn't do anything about it, didn't know what to do to fix it. He knew that it wasn't just the exclusion from the dinner party; it was everything, his whole life. His agent needed help, but wouldn't ask. Why wouldn't he ask, he never did. Even when he had had Kate's blood on his face, he had been there for everyone but himself, he gave so much to others and to him it looked like he got barely anything in response except, Abby looked after him when he couldn't look after himself, this was just the straw that broke the camels back as the saying went. He found himself wondering what Abby would do, or say in this situation. He knew straight away that his agent needed to feel something real to hold on to, he couldn't watch anymore as Tony cried all alone in his isolation. So he did what he felt was right, what he would of for Kelly all those years ago. He was amazed at how right it did feel, how much he had missed caring this much. There was no way in hell he was going to give up on it now, not when he had only just admitted it to himself. Even though he had known for a while, he'd just been too scared to care that much, more so after his agents getting getting locked inside that damn container.

He got up carefully onto the bed, minding the wires and IV, ignoring his agent's weak attempts to fight back and force him away, and he just held him. No words needed, just to know that someone was there for him when he was done, when he had cried all the tears away. Gibbs could only hope that they caught the guy that had hurt his agent, making him feel like a failure because he had run. Gibbs could only wonder what was in his agents past to cause this, why hadn't he dug deeper than his background checks before. He knew answer though; his agent was good at hiding in plain sight, but now he needed to know. He thought briefly that Ziva could help him seen as she would already know what he was looking for. Of course though that was only a last resort, and only if Tony wouldn't tell him himself…

TBC

_I know a big angsty chapter but it randomly came to me lol thought I put it in, don't know how well it went though. Hehe. Please read and review. _


	8. Trying To Repair Damage Done

_Thanks as always for all the reviews and alerts. So…here is the next chapter hope ya'll like it. Got to give a little warning here though: there is a scene of abuse. _

**Chapter 8- Trying To Repair Damage Done**.

After Tony being rushed to the hospital, Ziva and McGee worked on the crime scene and got a BOLO out, looking for the guy that had hurt their friend. They now had a name at least, Darren Hughes, petty officer first class. They learned all this from Tony's notes; they'd found the notepad close to where he had been lying, it was smeared with his blood, they didn't like that. In fact, they had been feeling even worse for what they had done upon finding Gibbs and Tony speaking, they listened as Tony spoke dejectedly.

"_W-w-why…are you… here…i-i- failed…you… shouldn't…care."_

No question within the words, just as if stating a fact, no matter how much the fact hurt and tore at them, they knew he meant it. Why shouldn't they care though? They were a family weren't they?… _weren't they?_ What had they done? Given him a second family, one that actually cared, then… just ripped it away from under him. As if, he didn't matter and never had.

"_S-so…tired"_

And it hurt them, they hadn't meant for him to give up, to think he didn't belong. They felt worse for letting it go on for so long and that they hadn't done anything to help… just everything that wouldn't and they couldn't take it back. He wouldn't accept it back, his mind wouldn't let him. Two simple words that held so much weariness, so much pain. It made them feel guiltier just looking at the defeat in his eyes as the EMT's took him to the hospital. Gibbs might have gone with him but… but what could Gibbs do? They had taken Tony and crushed his hope, his spirit and they knew it. At least in the car they had hope, hope that the damage they had done could be reversed. Now, could they help their friend from himself, from his own warped mind? Could they? _Could Gibbs?_

Gibbs had hurt him too; they had worked together and trusted each other for years before either of them came. It was worse when even Abby hadn't even done anything. They knew that they couldn't live with it, with the pain of thinking that your own family didn't care what happened to them. They knew they needed to fix it, but didn't know how or where to even start.

"What do we do, Ziva?" the question simple, the answer too complex to try and guess.

"I do not know, Tim." And she hated it, for once in her life she had absolutely no idea where to go from here, what to do for her partner. Worse, it was her entire fault. No words could fix it, only actions. Gibbs had tried by showing affection openly, by holding his hand. But the doubt and fear that he would be left alone again was still there, still festering within Tony's mind.

Worse than even that, she knew his past, knew that nobody had cared enough when it mattered, knew that he had barely survived getting completely cut off by his family at twelve years old, and forced to look after himself. Yet he hid it so well on the outside and she had still left him out, cut him off again. Even though he was still hurting from damage done so long ago and damage done since, moving from place to place, trying, hoping to fit in. In a way they were similar, in another not. She still had some and spoke to what remained of her family, he had no connection to his biological and she had taken his actual. For that she was truly sorry, but would he take the apology for what is was and not doubt it, she doubted if he could find the trust not so freely given. Not after everything.

***

Back at the hospital…

"_DiNozzo's don't cry, you're a disgrace to this family, you will never amount to anything." DiNozzo senior watched with glee as his son backed away. The boy was a nuisance, always messing around, blackening the family name. He wouldn't stand for it. _

_Tony knew when to stop, he ran but his 'father' grabbed him, a bruising grip and screamed at him, until a 10 year old Tony didn't even know what he had done wrong anymore. _

Gibbs woke up to a mumbling Tony in his arms, a nightmare by the looks of it. He didn't know when they had fallen asleep, he just knew that Tony had needed, wanted someone, something to hold on to. He knew that all Tony's insecurities would be back but didn't know the extent of them. He needed for Tony to talk to him. He had tried once before but Tony had shut him out, it had been after Tony had been injured and Gibbs was watching over him, he had heard Tony whimper in his sleep, of all the damn things to hear from his lively agent. That was when his suspicions had started, but still Tony had shut him out, not speaking of it again.

Gibbs was shook out of his thoughts when Tony's movements became more agitated and the mumbling became louder. He could hear what was said and in that moment his suspicions were proven. He had to get Tony out of his nightmare, try and save him from something. He moved off the bed and put his hand on the younger mans arm, trying to rouse him gently.

"Tony, wake up, it's just a nightmare." Nothing and the thrashing increased.

"DiNozzo!" he used his commanding tone. Tony's movements froze and he opened his eyes. Still clearly panicked, he flinched back from the touch, his posture defensive as if expecting attack. If that didn't prove his suspicions then what would.

"Sorry Boss." Tony replied blankly. As he looked into Gibbs' eyes he saw a flash of pity, he hated pity. That meant…he knew. _Damn_, nobody was meant to know. He panicked and tried to get out of bed, only managing an inch before the pain in his side drove him back down. regaining his focus he realised that Gibbs had been talking.

"It's okay Tony." It sounded sincere enough but…

Ha! It wasn't okay, now Gibbs knew his secret he looked weak, had even cried in front of his boss. NCIS didn't need a weak agent. He had to leave now. He was sorry but…but he wasn't, they had acted like his so called family all along, it had all been a lie, all of it, everything. And he was angry again. But he had to ask, had to see if what Gibbs had said he would repeat, if he repeated it, it could be real. Couldn't it?

"Why do you care?" again the question simple, the answer he was looking for he didn't even know.

"Because I do." the answer simpler, like the man behind it. As if a statement of fact, with no room to manoeuvre. Gibbs watched as a battle was fought in the other man's mind. The outcome could go either way, and he could only hope it went his.

Tony was scared though; could he really trust the words? He wanted to but…but all those lessons had taken his hope, taken his everything and his everything was gone again, taken from him. If he stayed he was a liability and he knew it. He couldn't leave them an agent down but he couldn't go back if he would only get them hurt. So his next words were simple and to the point, without emotion and without hope.

"But you shouldn't."

TBC

_I already have something in mind for the next chapter. It shouldn't be too long until I get it written. Please read and review as always. _


	9. Running to protect, but failing to feel

_Thanks for all the awesome reviews so far, and also thanks to crokettsgirl giving my muse a kick in the butt to get it out of its funk lol. _

**Chapter 9- Running to protect, but failing to feel**

"_But you shouldn't." _

As soon as Tony had uttered the words he knew he needed to run, get away from here, from them. They knew too much already, he couldn't take their judgement or their pity. He wouldn't watch as his secret destroyed the people he had come to see as family, didn't want them to be hurt because he couldn't cope. But it wasn't like they needed him anymore anyway, they had made that clear. But…he still needed to protect them; protection of others was deeply set into him. It made him feel useful, if he failed in that too then everything would be over. He'd have nothing left, but if he left he wouldn't have to worry about hurting them.

Suddenly getting a burst of energy he tried to make his escape, pulling the wires off him he missed the very alarmed looking Gibbs standing near him. Wincing as he forced his lethargic body up and out of the bed, a pain shot across his stomach. He lost focus for a moment, then clearing his vision making his way off the bed and on to the floor, his legs gave way a little but he caught himself just in time. See! He didn't need help; he needed to get away from these people, to protect them, no matter the cost to him. Alarms started to emit a long monotone sound as he pulled the wires off him and yanked the IV out of the back of his hand. It didn't hurt due to the adrenalin coursing through his system, but even so, he knew he should have felt something. _Anything_ but nothing.

He even should have felt something when Gibbs grabbed his arms, while turning the sound of the machines off so they wouldn't be disturbed, trying to stop him from leaving. For a second he thought he should have panicked at the memory of his nightmare, but then just as soon as an emotion came forward it was snuffed out, like the wind blowing out a candle. He'd gone numb, shut down, his mind only set on one goal. To run, to get away so he couldn't hurt them anymore, so his father wouldn't find out. If he did, they wouldn't be safe, he wasn't meant to let anyone know anything. It was the only way to keep them safe now. So he tried to escape the grip, tried with all his strength but they held steady, unyielding.

He saw that Gibbs' mouth was moving but couldn't make out the words, the blue eyes no longer held pity, they held fear, this was the only time he had seen that amount of fear from his fearless boss. They also held a reserved anger, but Tony had no idea who or what it was aimed at. Was it aimed at him? At the situation? At Tony being weak? He didn't know but it brought back his focus, he couldn't hear the words Gibbs spoke at first, but could hear concern within and also a hint of what he had missed for so long, compassion… but couldn't believe it was real so he concentrated on what the voice was saying. In some way it was soothing, strong and he wanted to believe it…but still he couldn't, his only goal was to protect Gibbs, protect them.

Gibbs could only watch with fear as Tony all but shut down in front of him, it practically tore his heart out again. How can his best agent have so little confidence in himself, so little care about himself? Gibbs cursed under his breath and the realisation that brought. Tony would run, thinking it was the best for the team, not even caring where he would go or what it would do to him. He knew Tony was protective of them all but didn't know it came above himself. He hated it. That was no way to live, no way to survive…but he had done that since he was twelve damn years old, fended for himself, but trying to protect others.

He tried to get through to Tony by grabbing his arms strongly but with affection, not anger. None of the anger within him could be seen bar a flash in his eyes. He knew that the younger man had seen it but hoped that he didn't think it was directed at him. All sense of time had stopped for him, all he could see was the vacant eyes of the person he thought of as a son, he hated that he couldn't seem to get to him, not once. He offered reassuring words, trying and failing to make the man before him believe that he meant something to him and the team. But all Tony did was stare beyond him, into the darkness that was his memories. For a moment when Gibbs had grabbed his agent's arms he felt him tense though he doubted Tony felt it. It was clear to Gibbs that this wasn't going to be easy to fix, but then he remembered some old advice. 'Northing worth doing was ever easy' and Tony was worth it. But… he had to fix years of hurt and doubts. Years of neglect, memories of everyone who had ever hurt Tony. For a moment he couldn't see a way out for Tony and it scared him…no terrified him, since when couldn't _he_ fix anything.

Tony mind dredged through all his memories of the team, the supposedly happy and the dreadfully sad but it was like he was watching from the sidelines, like they were just figments of his minds hope, his minds need to feel wanted. He wanted to feel again, needed to, just to go on, but he was numb. He knew Gibbs knew it too; Gibbs couldn't have an uncaring agent. Those sorts got everyone killed and he couldn't rip apart the team that were like a family. Yet, he wasn't apart of it anymore. His minds fear of nothing forced his feelings out again, he tired to push them down, push them away but he couldn't. He was angry for them rejecting him but could see why they did…sad that he'd have to leave and run from the one place that he felt he belonged…guilty that he would hurt Abby by his leaving, she had always been there at the end of a bad day. Maybe, it was better she was miles away from him now. He could go and not have to see her face, not have to tell her he couldn't do this anymore; it would kill her to see him so lost, so pessimistic. Anger won for the moment.

"Why the hell do you care, I'm a liability to you now, you don't need me!" Tony shouted. He tried to ignore the sudden return of the pain in his body, making him feel sick. Gibbs' hands remained firm on his arms as Gibbs tried to piece together something to say to salvage this. Gibbs saw when the change happened and it pained him to see all the emotions coming through on Tony's face. He needed to fix this, and he needed to fix this _now_. He saw Tony's eyes drift away and saw shame written all over his face. Why shame? Wasn't Tony entitled to get angry considering everything?

"Tony? Look at me." Getting no reaction at all he moved on of his hands to his agent's cheek, turning Tony's head to face him. He needed Tony to see the look in his eyes when he said what he was going to say, needed for Tony to believe in something again. Speaking calming and with all the compassion he had.

"Tony? Please look at me." Gibbs watched the shock appear briefly but then it was replaced by a longing and fear. Upon looking into his agent's anguished green eyes, it was almost too much, but he knew he had to. If he didn't he would lose Tony. With his resolve stronger he ploughed on, still holding onto Tony as if he needed to contact as much as Tony.

"Tony, you're wrong," Tony flinched as if being hit but Gibbs continued, "I do care, you have never been a liability, you've always had my six. I've never doubted you with that. " he had one final point to address. "I. Need. You." Drawing each word out for there full effect, again the answer surprised him. Tony voice was so child-like a little piece of him broke.

"Why?" is was all but a whisper but it spoke a world of loss and need. Gibbs was almost done but he had one last thing to say, in hopes that it would fix something. Though he struggled with it he admitted to what he felt.

"Because," he took a moment to make sure he had Tony's full attention, "You are like a Son to me." Leaving the words to linger in the air, the tension in the room to Gibbs' surprise, increased. He couldn't say anything more than he had. The fear in Tony's face increased, he had heard him but…but the reaction Gibbs was expecting, he didn't receive and the response troubled him more. Tony trembled beneath his touch, his grip, he knew Tony's mind was fighting against something…But what?

Tony's thoughts came to a complete stop upon hearing the words he'd so longed to hear…but he still couldn't accept them, even though he knew they were now real. It made him feel worse, guilt burrowing deeper into his soul, tearing it out and shattering it, broken pieces lay upon the floor. The fact that now he would hurt Gibbs if he left, he was shaking from the force of it all as if any moment his body would shatter along with his soul. He needed to explain so Gibbs could understand, so Gibbs wouldn't get mad. He knew it was hard for Gibbs to tell him how he felt and he was just about to throw it back in his face. The tears that fell from his eyes were silent and told of the hope that had been rekindled but…but the fear was stronger. He chocked out the next words.

"B-b-but…you can't," he saw the shocked expression on his boss' face as he continued, "…I'm not…worth it…I'll only get you hurt." The tears now flowed freely down his face, he wanted to stay so bad with the hope he had gotten back…but he couldn't he needed to go. His body was weak from the pain and the emotion but he had to, needed to, to keep them safe. He pulled away and felt the immediate loss of the connection as Gibbs stood shocked. As Tony made his way across to the door slowly he saw the face of the last person he wanted to see. He couldn't see them, not now; he wouldn't be able to do this again. Wouldn't be able to confess, to say goodbye.

Gibbs made no move straight away. He turned just in to see Tony reach the door and meet a familiar face, one that was needed at a time like this. He could only hope the person would be able to help; it was his hope that faltered now...

TBC

_Well I think this chapter turned out longer than I thought it would hehe, stay tuned for more. Can you guess who the person was? _


	10. Reactions

_Thanks all for the awesome reviews so far. Here is the next chapter._

**Chapter 10- Reactions**

Several hours ago back at NCIS headquarters…

Ducky furrowed his brow in concern as he watched a rather forlorn looking Abigail drift into to autopsy. He, like everyone else on the team was very protective of her and hated to see her upset. He knew exactly who this conversation was going to be about, the only reason that Abby would look this sad was when there was something wrong with either Gibbs or Tony, not that the others didn't matter, they did, but it was worse when it was either of the two. In this case he knew that it was Tony she was thinking about.

If he was honest he had seen how Anthony had seemed to be withdrawing from them, it was slow and painful for him to watch. He knew a few things about the younger agent that the others didn't, though he thought they could have at least noticed something from the way he had begun to act, I mean they were trained investigators after all. He thought back to something he had recently read about how the minds works under certain situations and understood a little how Tony would think the way he did, not that he hadn't before, learning psychology was turning into an interesting thing. It had all started after that dinner party; he himself didn't go because he had been looking after his mother. When he learned that they hadn't even invited Tony he was a little shocked, he was wondering how they could be so thoughtless. Couldn't they see that he would see it as being abandoned, _again?_

He had tried to speak to the other but they had been getting non-stop cases and hadn't found the time yet. But…each time Tony had come to him so he could check the recent wound he saw the man visibly pull him self away from everything emotionally. It pained him to see the usually cocky younger man so…lost? Almost without hope, but he had also seen the look that said he thought he actually deserved it. He had even stopped with the non-stop movie trivia; everyone knew that a silent Tony DiNozzo meant that something was wrong. Yet, nobody seemed to be doing anything about it.

Drawing his attention to the sad looking lab tech he wondered what she had to say about it, he could never be angry at her but…she had hurt Tony to, she had gained Tony's trust only for him to be let down by her in such a way that it had him thinking he meant nothing. Jethro had done the same but Tony hadn't shared as much with him as he did with Abby. But he knew that the effect was equally as damaging to Tony.

"What's the matter my dear?" Ducky asked soothingly. When she didn't answer straight away Ducky glanced at her, she looked as if she was trying to put into words what she was thinking. This being unusual for Abby, Ducky waited until she felt it necessary to voice what she was thinking. Finishing the last words of an autopsy he suddenly remembered he was doing, he put the file away and awaited her answer.

Abby searched around the room as if trying to draw strength from something there, however, all there was, was the cold shiny steel of the autopsy draws. The room was as silent as the death within it, the tension was building though, and it had been building in the building all week. When she had been in the bullpen recently she knew that something was going on, usually Tony would tell her everything that was going on. After he hadn't even come down to visit her three days after the dinner party she knew it was something they had done, something she had done.

Guilt crept throughout her, she hadn't meant to hurt her Tony, but she did, and she knew it. She knew that he would feel left out if he wasn't invited but Ziva had just sprung it upon them and they had just assumed that she had asked him as well. She was sad to see that he wasn't there but everyone else was, even Gibbs. Ducky wasn't there but he had been invited,…Tony hadn't even been asked.

She saw him as her best friend, her brother, they were like family and she had hurt him, even though she had promised that she never would. _No wonder he hadn't come to her since_ she thought. He was always there for her when she needed him, and the one time that he truly needed her she…she had just left him and not done anything about the signs she had seen herself. She had seen the look of hurt in his eyes on the night after when they had told him, but had brushed it off, thinking he would get over it like usual.

But…they had all been having a bad time at the moment, some of them were still trying to move on from Kate and having to trust someone new, and get used to the new director. Tony had been there for them all, no matter what, he had lightened the mood when necessary and helped them through it. What had they done when he needed them…Nothing that's what. What made her feel even worse, he had had an even worse time of it lately, he'd been beaten up on the undercover op, lost his partner and even been framed for murder…Now all this; they had only made it worse. And they had smiled almost smugly at him when he realised that he hadn't been invited.

She hated everything she had done since, she knew why his insecurities would come up now, knew because he had trusted her, and knew because he had told her some of his past with his biological family. He needed to be wanted and they had made it look like he wasn't wanted.

"Oh my god Ducky what have we done?" she asked, her voice trembling a little. "He must hate us all." Her eyes glistening with tears as the guilt and fear of him running tore at her. Reaching to embrace her Ducky tried to calm her down.

"I don't believe that he does." She looked at him as if he were made, how can he_ not_ hate them. "I think that he believes that somehow that he isn't needed, so is trying to run so he can't hurt us."

"B-but why would he think us not wanting him would cause us to get hurt?" She was confused how could he ever think that he could hurt them.

"I think it is that he thinks he is worthless and has failed in everyone's eyes, you and I both know some of what his own father made him believe regarding failure." Suddenly it all made sense, if he thought he failed then he thought he was weak therefore not believing he was strong enough to protect them, so he would run so he wouldn't get them hurt.

"What can we do Ducky?" she asked.

Before he got a chance to answer, Palmer rushed into the lab telling them of Tony accident. Immediately they were out of the door and on there way. They could only hope that Tony would be okay, by the sounds of it he had managed to get hurt while interviewing a neighbour. Ducky cursed softly thinking that this little accident would only make Tony worse. Palmer was trying to comfort a somewhat distraught Abby; she knew what she had to do but hoped that she had the time to repair the damage they had done to one of their own.

Asking Mr Palmer to say behind he got himself and Abby into his Morgan, it was going to be a long drive but hopefully Tony would still be there when they reached him. It scared them not know what state he was in.

Abby watched the scenery going past with little of her usual enthusiasm, silent tears making tracks down her face. She needed to help Tony, he had to be okay. The questions going around in her head were scary so she tried to ignore them, knowing Gibbs was there this time didn't help though, if he was being his usual bastard self then Tony would run a mile. Though, knowing how much she knew Gibbs cared for Tony she knew that he would do the right thing eventually.

She noticed that it was overcast and a bit lifeless outside; she was suddenly reminded of the image of Tony sick and weak in a hospital bed. She had hated to see him so sick then but….but then she could help. Now….would he even what her help?

TBC

_Okay so it was more of a filler chapter, but it just popped into my head and I thought that it may explain a little of his reactions. So who is it that was at the Door in the previous chapter lol you will have to wait until next time hehe. Thanks for reading. _


	11. Inevitable Fall, Hope Rekindled

_Okay so I suddenly had a brain burst, so sue me lol. Hope you like this chapter. Everything has been building up to this one so it may be long. Do not worry though there is still more to this story, they have to get the bad guy remember. _

**Chapter 11- The Inevitable Fall, Hope Rekindled **

And there she was. The one person he didn't want to see, the one person he would not be able to say no to. She would force him stay, forced him to tell her everything that was going on in his mind. He hated that she knew so much but…loved it too. Why? Why had he told her everything, why had he started to trust people again? He truly did trust her, they needed each other, they balanced each other, helped each other, anytime, _anything_. No matter what. How could he hate that, that which he had been looking for all his life, and that which made him happy. Oh so happy that he could almost forget his past. _Almost._ It was still there, still eating into his confidence, into everything when the smallest of things went wrong. Would it ever go away?

_No, never_ the little voice at the back of his mind sneered. _You will always hurt people and be weak_. _You have to run if you want to save them_, _but if you run then you'd still be weak, weak for not wanting to protect them anymore, weak for running. _So there it was in all its marvellous frigging beauty, he would be weak no matter what decision he made. A liability to the team, but weak for running away from a duty he loved. He couldn't win, never win. But Gibbs…Gibbs could help couldn't he, Gibbs was there now right in the room with him. Gibbs could do something, could save him. Couldn't he? _Couldn't he?_

No he couldn't, he wasn't worth it in the end anyway. The thought so ingrained on to his mind he had started to believe it long ago. The line so easy to say, so easy to believe, everyone had proved it. He had never been wanted, not even by his own family and the one he had created, had dreamed of for a long time thought it too. Didn't they? _Didn't they?_

He laughed at the bitterness of this moment. The moment he didn't want before he left, couldn't deal with before he left. His resolve and strength were slipping in her presence; his gaze flickered between the two people in the room. Gibbs and Abby, two of the most important people in his life, his friends, his family but…but they didn't want him…but they did. Or, at least seemed like they did.

What the hell was he suppose to believe, he had heard Gibbs' declaration and now Abby, Abby was here, she was meant to be miles away, he wanted everything back to normal, needed it normal. Not like it was now, he was lost and tittering on the edge of a cliff that he could no longer see the bottom of. Abby could always help, she had done in the past, and even Gibbs had in his own way. But still, they didn't, couldn't want him…him, he was not good for them, he would hurt them.

Then Abby was trying to move closer and he couldn't have her near him, he would break her, make her cry. He panicked, he was trapped and couldn't breathe, all the emotions came in a crushing wave and he couldn't fight, couldn't surface. Needed to get out but she was still there and so was Gibbs. They wouldn't move, wouldn't…Give up? Wanted him to stay? He couldn't. Couldn't do any of this anymore, they were such insidious liars, all of them, they were lying, had to be. They couldn't care. Could they?

"Please don't." he begged, his voice nothing but a whispered whimper.

He saw the shock on their face, in their eyes, but there was something else…Love? NO! That wasn't supposed to be there. Nobody was meant to care for him, his father had said so. _Nobody._ They had already proved that they didn't. They wanted Ziva now. Was he jealous that they had someone new to love, to care about, he didn't even know. He saw Abby's eyes glisten with tears that threatened to fall.

No! What had he done, see he said he would hurt them. Make her cry. _Look at what you've done now Anthony, you hurt them that much they cry because of you._ It ripped out his heart again and again as each tear fell from her eyes, he couldn't look at her now, he'd caused this, caused everything. He hated it, hated everything about him, about his life. Hated that he always caused people pain, or caused their deaths. First Kate, then Gibbs by rejecting Gibbs' words now…now Abby, his new family, his everything, his world. All gone. Destroyed by himself and he couldn't handle it. Not again. _No more_. _Please._

"Tony, please."

Abby's almost inaudible plea shattered his resolve and he was falling, falling so fast down into the darkness, he couldn't, wouldn't do this to her. If she let go now it would be best for all of them, if only he could let go to, but Gibbs' words were still in his head, gave him hope, hope he had lost. He found a footing in the dark, maybe they did care. Maybe they did want him. But they had still left him, left him when he needed them. But then…then his father's voice was back again telling him he wasn't worth it.

"No I can't…please…let me go."

His own tears started to fall and he felt embarrassed and weak, he couldn't protect them now. Not now. Not ever. He was trembling and losing his steam, had no energy left, he was spent and he couldn't fight the end any longer but he wanted them to care…but they still wouldn't be safe.

"No, Tony please, we are sorry. Please let us help you, let us in. Please." Abby pleaded through her tears. She could see the battle in him, the battle she had cause within him. She knew he was fighting against all the words his father had said to him, every little action that had been done to him by the person he should have been able to trust.

She looked to Gibbs, his hold on his emotions slipped and a single tear escaped. He couldn't face losing Tony, not now, not ever. She knew what they had done and that she needed to fix this. She tried to move closer to Tony but he backed away, the blood dripping slowing down the back of his hand from where he had ripped the IV out, on to the floor leave little drops staining the sterile floor. She was worried, he really shouldn't lose anymore blood he was already pale and shaking enough. He needed their help, needed medical help to, but Ducky was watching over them, he would signal to the doctor when it was safe to come in.

"Please let me go…so…so I can't hurt you…please." Tony begged again, his breathing ragged and harsh.

His shoulders slumped, he swayed a little. But he had to keep them away. He was drained; the tears had stopped because he couldn't cry anymore. The movements had stopped because he was against the wall of the small hospital room. Abby and Gibbs both stood a few feet away from him waiting to catch him when he fell, catch him so they could pick up the pieces. They only hoped they could. He needed to see their love, their care for him. He had to.

Tony knew he had to say more, and then maybe…maybe they would let him go. Maybe if he told them everything he was thinking they would think him as pathetic as he and his farther thought.

"Let me go…I don't want you to get hurt because of me…please. I don't matter…never have. Please stop lying and saying you care when I know you don't…please…" the tone as plain as day as if…as if it was…normal?

How the hell can that be normal Gibbs thought worriedly, he needed to get Tony to see through his nightmare, see that they really _did_ care. Gibbs' heart was on the verge of breaking, even though he thought it wasn't possible since that last time with his own family. Since when had he had emotions beyond what he had shown to others? He was a class one bastard. But damn it, he cared more than he thought he should for Abby and for Tony; they were the children that helped him heal. They needed him now, needed him to fix this.

The whole scene playing out in front of him scared him; it didn't seem to be going anywhere. What the hell could he do to turn it in their favour? What could he say now? Why hadn't what he had already said worked? He barely had the time to think before Tony crashed and fell to his knees. He rushed over but…but Tony flinched away from his touch. Still trying to get away from him, even when it was painfully obvious he needed help. Gibbs really wanted to get his hands on Tony's father for this. Tony was quite literary falling apart before him, shaking himself apart and there was nothing any of them seemed to be able to do to help. He tried one final time, appealing to what remained of Tony's hope.

***

Ducky wanted to rush in, to tend to Tony as he saw him fall, but he couldn't, he knew this conversation was needed. His medical oath was telling him to go but…but Tony didn't need that now, Tony needed to know they cared. Needed so much more than he had been given in the past. He hated watching from the side lines but he knew his time would come, and then he could tell the boy what he needed to know. Needed to understand. Ducky could tell that they were very close to this coming to an end, but the sense of foreboding was unnerving to say the least. If everything was meant to be getting better then why…why would something _else_ happen now? None of them would be able to handle it right now. Especially, Tony, Gibbs and Abby.

The begging and desperation in each voice told him of the anguish they were all going through, by far the worst was Tony's. It sounded almost…childlike? And painfully lost. He wasn't at all sure that it could be fixed but knew Jethro would find a way. He had to, for Tony's sake.

***

Both Gibbs and Abby kneeled down to Tony's level against the wall, they got as close as he would allow for the moment. He looked at them warily and with doubt. They read fear in his eyes and his posture, was it them, were they causing him to be scared. _What was it he said?_ Gibbs thought. He moved slowly forwards and Tony tried to make himself as small as possible.

"Tony?" Gibbs asked softly. Tony's trembling increase as Gibbs got hold of his face gently, forcing him to look into his eyes as he said his next words.

"Tony, have we ever lied to you when it mattered." Gibbs asked calmly. He had lied to him in the past, but, only if it was a need-to-know kind of situation. When it came down to personal, he had never, and Abby hadn't at all.

Tony stilled at the words as they washed over him, they were right, they had never lied to him when it was something important. _Never_. He knew what they had said was the truth and the truth was freeing, he almost felt giddy with relief. He wanted to laugh as his fathers voice faded but…but it would still be there feeding his doubts. The doubts were fading a little and he was aware that his whole body was aching. His defences were gone and he had no protection, but that's what his friends…no, family were for. But, he had still hurt them by trying to leave and he was sorry. Oh so sorry for hurting them, and for making Abby cry.

"I'm sorry Abs, Boss, I- I didn't mean to-" Abby stopped his words with a bone crushing hug but at least he was starting to feel again. Gibbs had his hand on Tony's shoulder, offering the comfort that they were both comfortable with.

All the emotions had been overwhelming and too much for Tony to handle all at once. From slipping down a deep dark abyss to now having a rope to guide him up, he wasn't out yet but he had help now. He was embarrassed when more tears escaped his eyes, he still had his fears that they would eventually leave him alone or his father would find out and hurt them, but, for now, he was content knowing that they had told him the truth. That they cared. And that they could look after themselves. Abby's soothing words and her steady heart beat against his head lulled him into a somewhat peaceful sleep….

TBC

_Well I hope you all liked that, though he still has his doubts and fears. Like I said I haven't finished with this story yet hehe so I hope you will stick around for the rest of it where more things will be explained. _


	12. The fear

_Thanks as always for the reviews of this story everyone. Now we get back to the case for a little bit, don't worry there is more angst to come though. _

**Chapter 12- The fear**

_Heading to the door of the house, Special Agent Tony DiNozzo looked around cautiously, trying to find anything that may point to this guy actually being the suspect. He had a gut feeling that it was this guy, he may be a little distracted but he could still work quite efficiently. _

_Using his usual charming ways he started to question Petty Officer Darren Hughes. The guy seemed nervous about something and was twitching. Yeah this guy had to know something. Pulling out a picture of the deceased Tony asked the usually questions. _

"_Did you know him?" he pretended he didn't see the flicker of a smile on Darren's face, he could use that later. _

"_Nope." Darren stated matter-of-factly. _

"_Where were you around 6pm last night?" _

"_At a friend's house playing poker." Tony immediately notice a few drops of sweat on the guys forehead. He smiled a little at the fact this guy was such a bad liar. He seemed a little too nervous though. Tony had a bad feeling about being alone, usually Gibbs would send someone with him, but Gibbs didn't really want him so he was expendable. _

_Thinking about it for too long he didn't realise that Darren and got up and gone to his kitchen. As he moved to get up he heard footsteps coming back towards him. Turning around quickly, he still wasn't quick enough to stop the guy from plunging the knife into him. _

"_It's too bad you won't be able to save the other one." Darren sneered, a look of malice in his eyes. _

"_Other one?" Tony questioned trying to ignore the fact that his voice sounded weak and raspy. _

_Darren laughed and turned away, Tony, as if a natural reaction he grabbed at the medium built man, dragging him back, trying to grab something that could lead to him later if he was to survive. He was always a scrappy kind of fighter. Tony was easily subdued; he felt weak and couldn't fight back any longer, in one final attempt he manage to grasp at a pocket in Darren's shirt, it ripped and a piece of paper fluttered out. Darren must have assumed Tony wouldn't have been able to use it, threw the agent down and walked out of the house, leaving Tony to die all alone._

_As Tony's vision faded he called Gibbs and shoved the note into his pocket, hopefully they'd be able to use it, even if he did die. The note held some coordinates, he didn't know where the coordinates headed to, but it was worth a try. Wasn't it? Everything faded to black and he let go of everything, he was ready to die, even if he would be alone. _

Waking up suddenly he found him self back in his hospital bed; the IV reattached, and the steady beep of the monitor going off in the background. Looking out of the window he saw that it was dark now, how long had he been sleeping? He had work to do, he had found a reason again. Anytime he had personal issues he could always somehow push them away, especially if there was someone else that needed saving.

Not really expecting Abby or Gibbs to have stayed, he was shocked to find them both dozing on hard plastic chairs. He thought that he should really wake them up but he had to prove that he could do _something_ right. But…again he heard his father's words, though they were quieter that they had been over the last two weeks.

"_You'll fail at everything you try to do and will hurt people in the process, how the hell are you going to save people by being in the police, you're useless. They aren't even going to want you."_

However, he shook these words off for now, he had proved half of it wrong already, I mean Gibbs had hired _him_, and Gibbs only wants the best people on his team. Doesn't he? Then his alter ego voice crept in, this hadn't been present for a while.

"_Well you're going to have to prove you're worthy then aren't you, by solving the case."_

He really was losing it, the voices being the first sign; he needed to solve this case before he went too far over the edge. Gibbs would surely kick him off the team after the case anyway, when they got home so it would soften the blow.

Feeling a little drain but stronger than the last time he was awake he started removing the wires again, alarms sounded but he continued. A dull pain travelled up his side which had him gasping a little but he carried on, he needed to save the other person. No matter what.

"DiNozzo, what the hell do you think you're doing!" shouted a shocked Gibbs, Gibbs and Abby were alert a looked pretty pissed, having been awoken by the alarms.

"My job, Boss." Tony replied throwing in a little smile. He felt much better, really he did. He just needed to being something. Stopping Tony before he fully got off the bed Gibbs grabbed hold of the younger agent's arms.

"The hell you are, you need to rest." Gibbs growled trying not to shout or sound too forceful.

Tony looked into his eyes a saw the genuine concern but he really needed to solve the case and he would go through Gibbs if he had to. He tried to get out of Gibbs' grip, but was too weak to do much of anything. Getting angry again at his lack of control he almost shouted.

"But, we have to save them Boss."

"Who?" Gibbs asked curiously.

"I don't know but…ah the guy that attacked me said we won't be able to save the other one." Tony was getting tired again and flopped back down on to the bed. Gibbs let go and watched as the younger got back under control, the fight left his eyes slightly and was replaced with something he couldn't place. That was when Abby came back in the room having gone to get the doctor. A tall male doctor with dark hair entered the room.

"Agent DiNozzo, you really need to rest. While the knife didn't do any major damage you did lose a lot of blood and your attempted escape before didn't help you."

"But doc, I'm fine." He wined.

"The hell you are DiNozzo." Gibbs growled again, Tony would say he was fine if he was bleeding out. The pale and somewhat drawn features at the moment proved that he wasn't as fine as he pretended to be.

"But boss, what about the case?" desperation evident in his tone.

"We do have a team for a reason DiNozzo," Seeing a slight look of hurt in Tony eyes he continued more softly, " you don't have to solve this case on your own, just concentrate on getting better for now, okay?" Gibbs watched as the last few words hit home with Tony, Tony expression softened a little. "Besides we haven't even got a clue of where the guy went." Gibbs added.

Tony's expression changed again but it was a mixture of guilt and like he had just found a big part of a puzzle. Gibbs would have to deal with the guilt later, he knew it was because Tony hadn't be able to stop the guy from leaving and hoped that somehow Tony would see that too.

"Boss it might be nothing, but there is a piece of paper with what look liked coordinates on it in my pants pocket."

With that said Abby's expression changed, they hadn't been over all the evidence from Tony's attack yet so this information was new to her. After getting a look saying 'check it out' from Gibbs she nodded, smiled softly at Tony and walked out of the door along with the doctor, who, having seen his patient calm down a little decided that it was best to leave him to his boss.

Silence fell upon the room, both men trying not to talk about feelings for the moment, Tony shifted uncomfortable under the gaze his boss not really expecting what came out of Gibbs' mouth. Nor did he expect Gibbs' hand to grab his shoulder in a somewhat fatherly gesture.

"Good job, Tony." Gibbs smiled at the small smile Tony gave him and nodded. In his own way he had just told Tony he was proud of him, he knew Tony wouldn't quite believe him but the glimmer in the younger man's eyes gave him hope that they could fix this together.

Stepping away as Tony fell asleep he called both Ziva and McGee; ordering them to start searching for other missing people in the area. Ducky was on the way to the local morgue so he could autopsy the original body they had found…

TBC

_Hope you all like the chapter. Please read a review. They do make me smile and work a little faster lol hehe _


	13. Acting

_Sorry this chapter took a while, my muse wasn't up to writing for a few days after RL kicked its butt, hope you all like the next chapter and are still interested in the story. It's another filler chapter but the action will start up again soon. _

**Chapter 13- Acting **

"Damn it!" Gibbs cursed as he disconnected the call. They were no closer to finding the guy that had hurt Tony and killed the other than a couple of hours ago. The coordinates had only been partial, meaning that it only narrowed it down a little. Also, they didn't even have any idea where it was connected to the current case.

Trying to get his emotions under control be before he made his way back to Tony's room, he knew that if Tony saw his mood then he would be back as square one and Tony wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes, not that he had been able to for a while now anyway. Realising he was almost there he schooled his features and stepped inside.

The sight he was greeted with caused a sense of sadness within him, Tony was looking so painfully lost for a moment but it was shoved back once the younger man knew he had company. He knew he should ask but couldn't find himself willing to, if he did, he may not be able to help and Abby was still trying to narrow down the search to find the Petty Officer, so she wouldn't be able to. Studying DiNozzo for a couple of seconds he inwardly sighed, Tony looked like his normal self on the outside but Gibbs knew it was all an act, a clever one, but still an act all the same.

Ziva and McGee had been to visit briefly while updating him on the case, they knew their friend was a little off but hadn't said anything about it. Gibbs had noticed that maybe that wasn't the best course of action as Tony had only withdrawn into him self more. Did he think they didn't care? After everything they had been through together, he still doubted their affections for him. He really wanted a few minutes alone with DiNozzo Senior. He was startled a little out of his thoughts as Tony spoke up.

"Something wrong, Boss?" the look in the younger agent's eyes was one of guilt. Why guilt Gibbs wondered it wasn't Tony's fault the coordinates weren't complete. However, knowing that Tony had to rest he wasn't going to give him anything that might aggravate the injury further, they might need Tony later on in the case to identify the assailant. Glaring a little at Tony he answered.

"Nothing you need to be worried about, DiNozzo." The tone a little rougher than he wanted; it caused a spark of hurt in Tony's eyes, but he couldn't take it back now.

"But-" Tony's tone was almost like a child answering back. Gibbs sighed again and softened his features, he knew that Tony wanted to be involved but couldn't chance it, maybe, if he openly showed that it was more concern for his wellbeing, Tony would accept it. Though, that was doubtful as Tony didn't seem to be able to take affection at the moment. Gibbs was a loss of what to do but tried anyway.

"DiNozzo, you need to rest, and then you can get back on the case."

"But I'm fine." He stated while wincing a little trying to get into a more comfortable position. Gibbs moved closer and looked in to his eyes while resting a hand on his shoulder, sending a look of concern and a little pride.

"No, you're not Tony." the use of his first name caused him to stop fidgeting. "When the doctors clear you then you can come back to help but you will do what I say when I say it, you got that."

" Yes boss." Tony smiled a little at the open expression of concern on the ex-marines face.

With that Gibbs told…no ordered Tony to get some rest while he went in search of Ducky to see when the younger man could get out of the hospital. Gibbs would feel more comfortable when he could speak to Tony away from the prying eyes of the medical staff. Hopefully, when Tony could talk more freely then he would, though Gibbs wasn't holding out that much hope of that happening anytime soon. Tony was just as stubborn at he was at talking about feelings and, just as bad.

***

Now that Gibbs had left the room, Tony had time to think about what he had been ignoring. He needed to help them with the case but thinking he was only going to mess it up wasn't helping all that much, he questioned why Gibbs even hired him. I mean he was either always finding trouble or messing around when there was work to be done.

The flimsy mask he had put on in front of the team and even Gibbs when he knew that he had re-entered the room was falling, he really needed to stop putting them up but as long as everyone thought he was fine then, maybe, he would believe it as well….But, he knew he wasn't which meant he was weak, too weak to do anything. Even if he tried to help he would only make it worse, he was sure of it. He had sensed it in Gibbs' tone that he didn't really need him. why was he even still trying if he'd fail anyway.

_Because you have succeeded sometimes. _

A faint voice told him, could he believe it though? _That_ was the question. When… when had he succeeded. Yes he had been hired by Gibbs and had managed to solve a few cases, but he had had the help of other people, he hadn't done that much, not really. It had all been the other people. Hadn't it?

_But, you've save people before. Haven't you? _

While he was getting quite disturbed by the fact he had voices in his head, this one sounded familiar, calm, collected, almost…dare he think it, encouraging and compassionate. He wasn't able to place it but it gave him hope, at least, _that_ is what he thought he was feeling anyway. He wasn't sure of anything at the moment.

All he did know was that he was currently stuck listening to the beep, beep, beep of the monitor and the squeaks of the staff's shoes on the sterile floor. Looking out of the window he saw the light drizzle of the rain running down the window, he tried to make out the familiar buildings that he knew but found the vision blurry, almost like his sate of mind. The voice cut through the haze again.

_You have to save him. Like I Know you can. _

Again the voice was familiar but nothing he could place, all he knew was that he had to get out of this bed somehow and save the person that he had forgotten about. Crap, how could he have forgotten, he was wallowing when he could have been convincing the nurses and doctors to sign him out so he could help. He needed to help before it was too late. Though, he had no idea what he was going to do to help because he no longer had the coordinates, he knew the first step was to get out of this hospital bed, wincing a little as he turned the machines off and made his way off his bed, his mind was made up, even if Gibbs didn't like it...

TBC

_I know it wasn't that long but I hoped ya'll like it. Thanks for reading and sorry for the long wait. Please review; let me know what you may want to happen next hehe… _


	14. Trying To Make It Right

_Thanks as always for the reviews and alerts for this story and sorry for the wait. Something that was pointed out to me on an earlier chapter with my spelling of defence and most likely some other words as well, I'm using U.K spellings so some words may be different than there U.S counterparts. Sorry if it confuses you. Anyway, enjoy the chapter. _

**Chapter 14- Trying To Make It Right **

After seeing Tony in the hospital, Ziva knew that she had to do something to make it right, she hadn't said anything about Tony being 'fine' but she knew he wasn't, she had seen the deep hurt in his eyes. She noticed that also, Abby had given her somewhat evil looks when they had been speaking about the case. Though, Abby was most likely the best person to help her with her plan, and then Abby could add some finishing touches seen as she knew Tony the most.

After spending most of the day with McGee, she knew that he needed to do something to help as well, he felt guiltier than she did, though that was nothing compared to the guilt she saw in Gibbs' and Abby's eyes.

Having gone over the crime scene, they had to transfer the trace evidence and such to the lab back in DC. Tony would have to stay in the hospital for another day or so before they released him. Even then he would have to go back to DC to rest. Both Ziva and McGee hoped that they wouldn't be in the room when Gibbs had to tell Tony. They could see the desperation in their friend's eyes and it unsettled them to no end, if they knew their friend like they thought they did, he would most probably try to be in work anyway, even if Gibbs didn't want it. They also knew how stubborn Tony could be when he set his mind on something.

Watching as the familiar sights of the city came into focus she sighed silently and wondered if Tony even wanted them to try and fix things. By the tired look on Gibbs face, even those two getting along was taking a toll on the older agent. Gibbs wasn't good at expressing himself and would rather interrogate and Tony…well, most of who he was, was an act and didn't take to kindly to being interrogated like a suspect. They all knew it, but couldn't find themselves willing to ask as it would only get a comical answer in reply. Tony DiNozzo was a very different person without his multitude of masks. Ziva knew he felt deeply about the family he had made at NCIS and that only proved to make her feel worse about what she had done, she knew all his secrets and she had still be blasé about the whole thing. Ziva could only hope that her plan would work and Tony would believe that they all cared for him.

***

Grimacing as a pain spiked through his side, Tony moved slowly towards the door having disconnected the IV and other machines he was connected to. He needed to solve this case before the other person died, after that; he didn't really care what happened to him. He just needed to see this case through, and for once, not to screw up. Breathing as deep as he dared he dragged his feet forwards, he knew his body wasn't really up to it but the new found reason for getting up was holding up for now.

Shuffling carefully across the sterile floor he wondered where he would be able to find some actual clothes from, cursing as he remembered that all his stuff was most likely waiting for him in the car they had taken or the hotel room they had booked close by to the crime scene. Stepping out of the room he was immediately caught off guard when someone familiar squealed his name.

"Tony!" _Crap_ it was Abby, he'd hoped everyone had gone but obviously not. He also knew that he would need to get rid of her somehow but it was Abby and, well, if she wanted something, she'd usually get it. "What do you think you're doing mister?" Trying to fake nonchalance he replied but knew it wasn't up to his usual standards.

"Just out for a walk Abbs." Shaking her head at him he wondered why she wasn't already on her way back to the lab. "Why aren't you on your way back?"

"By the looks of it I'm right where I need to be." She answered back defiantly. Eyeing him closely, she'd known him long enough to know when he was up to something.

"But-" He started.

"No buts mister, now back to bed before I get Gibbs." _Double crap_, if Gibbs was still here then he was definitely not getting out of here any time soon. But he needed to go, needed to help do something. _Anything._ Trying to get him self out of the grasp Abby had on him, he almost pleaded with her.

"But I have to-"

"Have to what, DiNozzo?" Gibbs stated coming down the long white corridor of the hospital. Seeing the desperation in Tony's eyes almost made him rethink his decision on not letting him have any information on the case, _almost_.

Backing down a little from Gibbs' stare he hoped that the questioning look didn't mean they were going to have of _them_ conversations again. His hopes were dashed as the next words came out of Gibbs' mouth, it made him ready to run a mile.

"Abby, go keep Ducky company." Gibbs ordered, not taking his eyes away from Tony. Abby nodded affirmatively and left her two boys on the edge of Tony's hospital room. She smiled deviously as she walked away.

"You wanna tell me why you're trying to escape, _again_." Tony shifted uncomfortable at the question but looked up and smiled a painfully desperate smile. Gibbs hated bringing that out of him though, he wondered briefly just how much damage had been done to the younger agent to cause him to be like he was and wondered whether it had just been his father that had done the damage.

"I just need to help solve the case, that's all." He looked all wide-eyed and innocent but Gibbs knew him better than that.

"Why do you need to solve it so bad," Gibbs glanced at Tony shuffling his feet as if he was embarrassed or uncomfortable. It didn't sit right and he needed answers to Tony's recent behaviour, "Tony?" he questioned sharply.

Not for the first time in the past couple of days Tony just looked else where when he answered, not being able to look Gibbs in the eye and see the truth of the statement he was just going to make. "So I can at least prove I can do this one thing right. Then you can fire me." There he admitted it, still not looking at Gibbs he could feel his face flushing, he really hate discussing this stuff.

Gibbs was more stunned than annoyed at the statement and whished he hadn't told Abby to go away, but knew this needed to come from him and him only. Firstly, he'd never seen Tony seem so desperate, so lost. Secondly, he sure as hell didn't want to lose Tony, the team needed him even if he couldn't see it. He needed him. Getting his composure back, he grabbed Tony's chin gently, forcing him to look him in the eyes and placed his other hand on the younger man's shoulder.

"Tony, I'm not going to fire you, you got that?" He could see Tony wanted to argue but stopped him by lifting a finger shushing him, waiting for the words to sink in until his agent nodded he continued. Tony's gaze shifted again. "Tony, I'm gonna say this as many times as you need so you believe it, you are needed, you do not need to prove anything to me or the others." Taking a chance he added something that would get to the heart of the matter and hopefully make Tony believe him. He had pretty much figured out what the younger man's own father had told him to get him acting recklessly and without a care for his own wellbeing.

"Your father was wrong, you are not worthless."

TBC

_Whoop, Gibbs finally got his act together but will Tony believe him, what do the others of the team have planned and what else will happen? Thanks for reading and please review. _


	15. Conditioned

_Okay I'm sorry to say that this is most likely going to start getting rounded up in the next 4 maybe 5 chapters so I hope you have all enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it and receiving reviews. So on with the chapter. There are mentions of abuse here if you really look._

**Chapter 15- Conditioned **

"_Your father was wrong, you are not worthless." _

All Tony's movements stilled.

How was he so transparent? He'd failed at his own game now. What was he going to do if he couldn't even pretend that all _that_ didn't matter? Why didn't it matter?

_Because you don't matter you worthless brat._

He flinched a little. But Gibbs didn't, wouldn't lie to him. Would he? He'd said, and Tony had seen he was telling the truth. But he'd been so programmed to believe that he didn't matter, he'd tried to tell people but they either couldn't or wouldn't help so why would people now. Why did he matter now after all this time?

_Because these people care for you, they are your family, your hope. _

_That _is what it came down to and the end of every time he'd tried in the past.

_Hope._

The hope that things would be different this time, hope that people wouldn't find out and judge how weak he was and for how much he'd failed. Then he realised that they hadn't judged him, not one little bit…but they'd made him lose his hope and that was worse because that was all he had left. That was all he ever had at the end of each time he left.

The voices were conflicting, causing a headache of massive proportions. One held hate and one hope like the fight between good and evil, past and present. And he had no idea who would win and it scared him. But he couldn't think about that now he needed to save the other person or people. Needed to do something, he _would_ figure the rest out afterwards.

Gibbs had been so sure that those words would work, that it would get through to Tony and that Tony would finally see the truth. He'd ignored all the case he had seen and heard of about the mentalities of abused children, thought it didn't apply to Tony of all people. More like hoped it didn't. But who the hell was he kidding really, he'd suspected for a long time and not done anything. Did that make him just as bad, he didn't know? He would do all he could now, but was it already too late?

With his words, he saw the fractured façade that Tony had re-created to face the team fall. But why would in fall in face of the truth? But he knew the answer; it was right in front of him. The truth in his words meant he cared and nobody had truly cared about Tony when it mattered. He was conditioned into thinking he didn't matter, that it was normal. He could see Tony was afraid, afraid to care again, if he cared he could be hurt again or hurt someone else. Gibbs himself knew _that_ mentality. The one of protection but he hadn't the answer for that either, he'd tried but that had ended up with more failed marriages than he cared to think.

For all intents and purposes Tony was still in front of him, but the look in his eyes said he wasn't. he was somewhere else but where? And why? He had the urge to shake him to get him to respond but didn't want to hurt him anymore than he already was. He would just have to stand there with his hands on the younger agent's shoulders and hope Tony would come out of his unresponsive state and find the right way back. Before he gathered his own thoughts, Tony shrugged out of his grasp.

And he'd lost; the space in front of him became empty.

Spinning around in the direction Tony had taken of to, the words came before he thought." Tony don't." his voice taking on a hint of pleading he didn't know he had in him, how had it come down to this? Tony took one look briefly showing the absence of any emotion.

"I have to." The voice just as devoid of emotion as his eyes. Gibbs had to admit that it hurt that he'd done everything he could and it still hadn't worked, but it didn't hurt as much as the emptiness between his fingers.

"Let me help." at least this time he didn't sound like he was pleading just asking. It stopped Tony in his tracks; Gibbs knew he was thinking, but what about?

"Why, so you can watch me fail, or is it so you can make me believe you then you just get rid of me anyway." By Tony's posture, his head down, hands in fists by his sides, Gibbs could see the struggle in his agent.

"DiNozzo, you don't have to go alone, I want to help you…Please." Gibbs felt like he was going in circles here, if he'd said it before then why would it matter if he said it again. He'd felt like they had been getting somewhere until he had spoken but what had changed? "Tony, you don't trust us anymore, do you?" he felt a bastard saying the words but what else could it be, why else would Tony not listen.

This was the reason why he'd wanted to escape before Gibbs got back, so he wouldn't have to answer _that_ question. Trust was just as fragile as hope and since they had taken his hope, how could he trust them, they'd given him reason to doubt and that was just one step before the end, it had happened before.

"Why did you stay if the whole team wasn't there, aren't you the one always saying Semper Fi?" Tony's tone a mixture of bitterness, finality and longing, at the words Tony's posture deflated a little as if that was all he had to say, as if it were his final thought.

Gibbs winced at the accusation, Tony was right. He'd broken his own rules and now he was losing part of the team because of it. The rules that were meant to keep them together were breaking them apart.

It was _him_ that had ruined it in the end.

TBC

_Well what is Gibbs going to do with that then, I'm really sorry about the wait and the short chapter, I should be able to get a new chapter out soon though. hope you liked it, please read and review as always. _


	16. Building Bridges

_Thanks for all the reviews and alerts so far, on with the next chapter. Hope you like it. _

**Chapter 16- Building Bridges **

Before Gibbs could say anything in response, Tony simply walked slowly towards the nurse's desk leaving a dejected looking Gibbs behind. Gibbs knew that he would be signing himself out, and he found that he couldn't do anything about it. Tony wouldn't look back at him so he could look sincere in his apology. He hated apologies as much as talking but he had to at least make the effort, even if Tony refused to listen. Over hearing part of what the nurse at the desk was saying as he was moving closer, he got an idea. Maybe, actions would speak better than words could.

"I'm sorry sir, you can't leave unless there will be someone to look after you." The stern nurse stated, she was an older more experienced nurse with brown hair and green eyes that were currently glaring at the patient before her. He wasn't ready to be let out, not yet, unless he had help. While the injury suffered wasn't particularly serious his range of movement on one side would still be limited so wouldn't be able to get around all that easily.

"I can look after myself perfectly fine." Tony replied, using an oh so fake looking grin. The nurse's eyes narrowed. Gibbs felt it was time to step in.

"He giving you trouble?" he asked the nurse.

"And you are?" she replied, turning her glare to him.

"His boss." Gibbs was purposely ignoring the slightly shocked look Tony wore, it was mixed with a suspicious look and Gibbs didn't like it, he would deal with _that_ later.

Tony didn't know what Gibbs intended to do but knew that Gibbs would probably say something to get him trapped in here longer. He didn't quite believe what Gibbs had said and was no longer willing to put all his hope in him anymore, he wasn't even willing to completely trust him anymore, at least, not as much as he did.

The kind voice in his mind was telling him to trust the man but he couldn't; not now Gibbs hadn't even followed his own rules. I mean, how can you trust a man that didn't listen to his own rule, especially one as important as Semper Fi.

"Right, well, will you kindly tell him," she pointed at Tony, "that he should get back into bed and rest and I will not be releasing him until someone can come and pick him up."

"That won't be necessary, I will take him." The nurse glare softened a little and she huffed out her reply.

"I'd prefer that it be his emergency contact, do you know where I might find a Leroy Jethro Gibbs."

"You're looking at him."

"Very well, if you will just wait a moment for me to get the papers in order." As the nurse walked away, Gibbs turned his attention back towards Tony. Who, by the expression upon his face, didn't seem to know what to think.

For Tony, the scene that had played out in front of him was new, nobody had ever even bothered to want to get him back after finding everything out and him saying his piece. He'd expected Gibbs just to leave the hospital, he'd thrown every single kind word in Gibbs face and here he was getting him out of the hospital and actually seemed to want to genuinely help. Even the look Gibbs was sending him now only conveyed a sincerity that Gibbs rarely showed to anyone but victims families. It forced him to question why.

"Why." Asked Tony, his voice a little mumbled as he looked questionably at Gibbs.

"Because I want to." A small encouraging smile appeared upon his face. Gibbs almost grinned as Tony's posture relaxed and the corner of his mouth turned up a little. He figured that was as good as an apology anyway, especially from Gibbs. He was surprised by the next words though.

"I am Sorry Tony." Gibbs voice showed that he knew what he was saying sorry for and Tony accepted it finally as the truth, they would still have things to talk about on the way back but as least Tony could start to believe in Gibbs again.

After signing the papers, both Gibbs and Tony left the confines of the hospital. Tony took in a deep breath of fresh air then hesitated. He wasn't sure where they were actually going.

"Come on DiNozzo, we're heading back to DC, got a lead that Petty Officer Hughes headed there."

"But, I won't..."

"You can still work from your desk DiNozzo, besides I want Ducky to have a look at you."

Tony's smile from before widened a faction, he still had his job after all. He wasn't a hundred per cent but he could still do something. For the first time in two weeks he actually felt like he could do something to help find the other person or people the petty officer had said he had.

TBC

_Again another short chapter sorry the next one will be longer and will be finished soon. Hope ya'll liked it. _


	17. A Lead

_I know this chapter has taken forever, I am sorry. College has started again and we are applying to university and such so the chapters will take a little more time, I do however plan to finish this, and my other stories before I even start anything new. Enjoy this next chapter and remember I am going to be wrapping this one up soon and should have about 20 chapters all together, thanks for all the reviews so far and I hope you are still enjoying this story. _

**Chapter 17- A lead **

Hearing that both Gibbs and Tony were on their way back, gave Abby a little hope that they would manage to fix what they had all broken. She'd opted for her dirge type music for a change, it hadn't been that long since it had been played but it seemed to be the mood of the general atmosphere in headquarters for the past week. Everyone had noticed that something had been wrong with Tony and he'd been almost desperate for well, anything to be honest.

"Abby?" came Ziva's voice through the fog of Abby's thoughts.

"Ziva." Abby replied curtly. She had, after all, been the catalyst to this whole catastrophe in Abby's opinion. Ziva put her hands up, signalling a sort of truce; she knew the Goth blamed her, maybe, more than she blamed herself.

"Abby, I have not come here to fight; I have come here to ask for your help." Ziva placated the fire she started to see behind the young lab tech's eyes.

"For what exactly, to make Tony feel more excluded? To make him think none of us care for him?..."

"Abby!" Ziva cut off the ramble that had started and gently grabbed Abby by the upper arms, looking into her eyes to convey the truth of her intentions she continued…

***

On the way back to DC, Tony had fallen asleep. Gibbs' watchful gaze flickered over at the younger agent a few times; he smiled when he saw Tony was sleeping peacefully for a change. Over the few days in the hospital, Tony hadn't slept without some sort of nightmare. He would have to speak to Tony about those at some point. Not now though, he knew Tony wouldn't give anything away until this case was wrapped up.

Half way to headquarters he almost had the urge to wake his agent up, just the hear the sound of his chatter about anything and nothing. He'd even almost kill to hear Tony try to explain some random movie scene of a film he hadn't seen, nor cared about. The silence in the car was the way _he_ preferred it most times but now, with Tony in the car in their somewhat comfortable yet tense and in Tony's case, sleeping silence…not the way he wanted it.

He truly did feel guilty for not noticing that Tony hadn't been being treated well by the team or even himself, he'd also have to talk to his team about it. For them to be a good team, he needed everyone working together and not trying to be better than the other, or fighting to get one up on the other. Growling a little, he pressed the accelerator harder to get home faster, they still had a bad guy to catch, only then could he fix his splintered team.

A short while later…

Pulling into the Navy Yard and looking over at his sleeping passenger, he found himself not wanting to bother Tony in the peaceful looking sleep he seemed to be having. However, with their relationship frail at the moment, Gibbs not including Tony in the case would break the weak bond they had seemed to construct in the last day. They had been in the situation before though, when Tony had first joined NCIS, Gibbs had hoped that they had made progress since then but now, he wasn't so sure. Shaking the younger agent softly, he called his name equally as soft as not to startle Tony.

"Hey, DiNozzo, time to solve the case." Using the kid's desire to try solve everything, he knew he was being a bastard but it would get the job done and he had used a softer than usual voice.

"Yeah, Boss." Came the sleepy reply from his still tired looking agent. Well at least Tony was calling him boss and not just talking to him

The walk into the building and down to the lab was quiet but not as tense as the other times. Gibbs smiled a little, everything seemed to be going well at the moment, and he was sure that Tony was going to brighten up at seeing Abby like he usually would after being injured. Well, he hoped, the last actual conversation those two had had, had been back in the hospital room. After that, on the corridor, Tony seemed a little awkward around Abby, even though they were like brother and sister.

Entering the lab, the usual blast of music hit them. Abby had changed it back after her little talk with Ziva. They had a plan now, a sure way to get Tony to realise they all cared. And that they were _all_ a family.

Sensing she had company she turned around, upon seeing Tony she jumped up aiming to hug him but he moved back a little. He wasn't all that good with contact, even in a good mood and that was without him being injured, she knew she had to tread carefully.

"I see you escaped your own personal prison." She winked at him, Gibbs just watched the two for a moment, hoping beyond anything that they were going to be okay. Tony face actually brightened a little and a small smile played across his lips. Abby almost wanted to squeal when she saw that spark of the Tony she knew so well.

"You got anything yet Abs?" Gibbs asked.

"No Gibbs, not yet, BOLO is out, still waiting for a hit."

"Isn't there anything we can do to find him faster?" Surprisingly, that question had come from Tony, who was leaning against the metal table, he looked a little worse for wear but Abby and Gibbs were both glad to see a flicker of Tony in the tired expression upon his face.

"Not unless you remember anything else of what Hughes said, DiNozzo." Gibbs answered a little more gruffly than he would have liked. He was surprised when Tony seemed to actually settle at the tone. He would have thought being nice for a change would have worked better but would take what he could get. Although, thinking logically, he himself wouldn't want to be treated any differently if he'd broken down like Tony had in the hospital. That would be embarrassing. Smiling a little more, they turned to leave, but not before Abby could get the last word in.

"Hey, Tony, you wanna catch a movie after we finish this case?" she asked hopefully. It being part of the big plan, she really hoped he'd say yes. Thinking about it for a moment, Tony simply nodded in reply; maybe, a movie was what they needed to get back to normal.

Not half an hour after leaving the lab, Abby called up with a hit on the BOLO. Tony started to move, seeing this Gibbs spoke up.

"Where do you think you're going, DiNozzo?" He cringed a little at the betrayal in Tony's eyes as both McGee and Ziva moved off towards the elevator.

"With you boss."

"You're not on duty, DiNozzo." Tony's look darkened, Gibbs had promised to help him, not to stop him. But couldn't Tony see, Gibbs only wanted to keep him safe.

"But Boss, I have to. You said you'd help, not take over, I need to, please." Tony didn't leave out the accusing tone to his voice nor, could he stop the pleading quality at the same time. He had to do this, no matter what, fire rose within him, his aching chest a thing of the past. He could deal with that later.

"Fine! But to do as I say, no questions. Got it?"

"Yes boss." There was just one thing he was missing. As Gibbs walked past his desk, he placed Tony's new service weapon in his hands, giving him a looking saying he understood the need to do this, but he didn't want him taking any chances…

TBC

_I should have the next chapter done for tomorrow or the day after actually, I seem to be on a role with this one finally, again sorry for the long wait. Hope ya'll liked it. _


	18. Optimistic Failure

**Chapter 18- Optimistic Failure **

The drive to the warehouse they had been directed to, was silent, tension remained between the agents. A tension that had been there, Gibbs noticed, since before this case started. Had he not wanted to get too close to the team after loosing Kate that he had ignored them, ignored that they hadn't been getting along. Shaking his head, he looked out for the address of the warehouse.

Storm clouds were brewing; a low rumble of thunder could be heard in the distance. Fallen leaves whipped around the car as the pressure dropped and the wind picked up. The drops of rain started to fall as they reached their destination.

Moving swiftly out of the car, the team went through the warehouse clearing it room by room. They'd split up for the moment to cover more ground. Gibbs kept Tony close and sent Ziva and McGee the other direction.

Sneaking looks at the younger agent through the dimly lit corridor, Gibbs tried to read Tony's expression but found that it was unreadable. For the first time since everything had gone to hell, Gibbs actually thought that Tony had snapped himself out of whatever nightmare he seemed to have been in. Maybe, it was getting back to the job. But maybe, like before, it was a carefully constructed mask, just to make him believe everything was okay. Maybe, Tony created it to make himself believe that everything would go back to normal. Gibbs could only hope that he wouldn't let the younger man down again.

Having systematically searched all but one of the rooms, Ziva and McGee showed up at the other end of the grimy corridor.

"You find anything?" Gibbs asked. Shaking their heads in response, Gibbs signalled Tony to follow him to the remaining door. While Ziva and McGee kept an eye out, backing them up. Gibbs heard Tony take a deep and what sounded like, calming breath before Gibbs Kicked the door open and Tony entered.

As their eyes adjusted to the light within the room, they saw Hughes and the unknown victim in the centre of the room. The victim, another male petty officer, was knelt down with a gun pointed at his head. Hughes looked up, directly into Tony's eyes, sneered, and shot the weapon.

The shot echoed around the sparsely box strewn room.

Then two more shots and the bad guy was down.

But then so was the one they had come to save. Their actions too slow, their information not being found quick enough. The teams hope that saving the person would help Tony in some way, shattered and scattered across the damp floor of the warehouse along with the blood of the person they hadn't been able to save.

Tony was so close he could feel the blood spray lightly falling upon him, which meant he'd been too late, he'd…failed, _again_. To come so close to proving them all wrong, that he could do something right, that he wasn't a screw up that would end up in the gutter. Then to have it snatched away like taking candy from a baby. It was cruel yet simple. He'd failed.

As the body of the person he had meant to be saving hit the ground, Tony turned away, swaying a little, from the scene forever engraved in his mind and simply, walked away. Away from it all. The bad guy was dead, the case solved, there was nothing more to be done. Not by him anyway. He didn't want to hurt them all but he could no longer protect them either, he would simply have to leave…

…Someone stopped him.

Who, why? He wondered, but couldn't focus. He felt strong hands grasping his shoulders but couldn't comprehend anything but his failure. Nothing else, he didn't deserve anything now. Not after this.

A blurred image of Gibbs came before his vision but he couldn't look him in the eye, all he'd see was disappointment. He knew it. For some unknown reason disappointment was worse than being glared at, worse than being shouted at. It was deeper than angry looks, deeper than anything else. Disappointment was the knowing that you hadn't done something like someone expected you to do, that you hadn't lived up to their expectations of you.

But maybe, sometimes, the expectations were too high. He wanted to scream and shout at the unfairness of it all, but didn't have the energy remaining to fight for his place anymore. Too much to live up to. Even if you had tried you'd still failed. Like nothing was good enough for them. Therefore, simply inevitable. Already failing before you'd even started to try. But hadn't he already accepted that when he was younger? The finality of it seemed to consume him, dissolving any hoped he had latched on to.

But then, what else did he expect. He was Tony DiNozzo, the eternal and disappointing screw up. Always had been. Always would be. Nothing he could do now would change it, so he may as well leave before he had to hear the words. As long as he didn't hear the words then maybe, knowing you were a disappointment wouldn't tear at the fabric of his being so much. He could still hold out for some semblance of hope that he'd never have to hear the four simple words. Which when separated didn't seem so bad as when put together in that certain, and what seemed like a predetermined order.

Gibbs could only watch in horror as his agent swayed, started to walk away and then upon stopping him, completely shut down. One moment Tony had been full of his usual effervescent energy; moving from room to room with ease, as if he wasn't injured, the next, nothing. Just staring forwards, not seeing anything more than what was going through is mind.

Both McGee and Ziva had rushed in at the sound of the shots, upon seeing what lay in the room, they both cursed silently. This wasn't something they needed, not now. They knew that this could very well be the last straw for their friend. Moving towards the bodies, they started processing the crime scene and called Ducky, knowing that he would be needed and that hopefully Gibbs could get through to Tony while they worked.

"Tony! Damn it, DiNozzo. Look at me." Tony just continued to stare through him, as if he wasn't there. The look though, was something else. So bleak, maybe afraid switching to blank every so often, not settling on a certain emotion. He could feel Tony trembling a little in exhaustion, fear, he wasn't sure. He hated to shout at Tony but nothing else had worked, not touch, not seeing him right there in front of him. Nothing. Not even soothing, quiet, and compassionate words. Tony just continued to stare

Gibbs had tried everything short of physically shaking the despondent, desolate look out of his agent. Even a head slap hadn't worked and Gibbs was growing desperate. Ziva and McGee watched on in concern, they'd thought the hidden looks of loss and the desperate words in that house where Tony was bleeding out were bad, but nothing compared to this. They too wanted to shake Tony, make him see them, make him feel something. Rationally thinking it had only being going on for the last five minutes, but it seemed like for ever. Such change from the normal Tony DiNozzo they'd gotten used to, they found they hated a still and silent Tony.

Giving into his urge to shake his agent, Gibbs felt Tony's whole body tense more, tighter than a coil but then pained green eyes settled on his own. Tony's body still trembled in his grasp but he was no longer simply looking through Gibbs.

"Come on Tony, let's get you outta here."

Tony didn't speak in response, he simply just allowed Gibbs to take him away. Gibbs probably wanted to fire him but not with the others watching. But at the moment, he just couldn't seem to care, nothing was right anymore. He deserved it. _All _of it.

As Gibbs led Tony away from the scene, he heard the words that he didn't want to hear from his agent right now. The tone disillusioned and defeatist, barely a whisper.

"I'm sorry, I failed."

Then, before he knew it, the tension running through Tony's body drained, then Tony collapsed. The only thing stopping Tony's head from hitting the ground on the way down was Gibbs' strong arms catching him.

A muttered _'oh my'_ alerted him to the fact that Ducky had arrived. Ducky didn't need to be called to be at his side, checking over his agent. Gibbs could only hope that it was just exhaustion that caused Tony's collapse…

TBC

_Well I hope you all liked the twist. I did warn you it was coming hehe thanks for reading and please, please review I know there are lots of people reading!!! Thanks so far for previous reviews. _


	19. Pulling Him Back?

**Chapter 19- Pulling Him Back?**

The torrent of thoughts, feelings, and emotions he was riding on was strong, some pulling him down, some up and some around. As if he was a buoy out in the deep blue of the vast ocean. Never getting a moments rest from the battering of the waves, never getting peace from the pounding of every action he had taken over the past few weeks, months…years? He was no longer sure how long he'd been fighting it all. The only thing he knew for sure was, he'd had enough, wasn't strong enough to tread the swirling waters anymore.

Every and each time he had made it to a point where is was actually comfortable enough to show who and what he was or was happy enough so that he could forget everything in the past. But those who forgot were doomed to repeat. Maybe, that is what he'd been doing wrong all this time; maybe, it was time to just stop fighting against everything, stop being so damn stubborn and pig-headed. But opening up was like trying to squeeze blood out of a stone. Theoretically impossible. But then, where did that leave him?

Simple enough question, wasn't it?... No, why? Complex answer. Answers and truths made you seem weak, vulnerable, and pathetic. Didn't it, _didn't it?_

Surely they wouldn't, couldn't want this new weakened version of Tony DiNozzo; but this wasn't the Tony they knew and had _seemed_ to care about, this was simply, someone else to them anyway. Though he knew the truth, the practiced the façade and image of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, was the fake, the impostor. This new weakened one they now saw was and had always been him, deep down, locked in a box, pushed to the back of his mind unless insecurity, fault and guilt was left to fester and the inside exposed to the harsh light of the world.

Looking for the beacon he had been reminded of recently, it contained the last of his hope. Straining to look above the waves crashing and tumbling around him, he'd lost sight of that shiny beam, strand of light through the dark. He was seriously considering giving up. He'd fought so long. The last action had been the catalyst to this new nightmare and feeling. As if anything he tried to do would end up bad, gone, dead. Only having the same outcome. Him, left with nothing, no one…oh the oblivion that followed the in the depths of the sea seemed so encouraging at the moment.

But giving up wasn't in his nature, never had been. Even if it did look more appealing than this semblance of a world he constantly lived in. He believed in a few things strongly, others not so much. Having the opinion getting what you fight for, seemed more and more like a childish dream now, constructed in the hope that if you did everything you could then you would, eventually, reap the rewards, anything he did and had fought for had gone to hell in a hand basket or simple ignored and unnoticed.

Going deeper into his actions and thoughts he saw the cyclic nature of them. Anytime he'd gotten comfortable, he screwed up, and no one had wanted to fight in his corner anymore, he wasn't called a screw-up for no reason you know! What the hell was the point if it ended up in disappointment, guilt, or abandonment anyway?

_Damn it,_ his anger rose but he was still trapped in the bubbling ocean, his limbs becoming heavy with over-use. But the reason for his anger, he didn't know. Maybe at his own faults, most likely. Maybe, at the unfairness of it all, since when had he been the laughing stock of the world. But that sounded rather like a difficult child who hadn't gotten his way. Yes, some people could argue that was who he was anyway but he and his team knew, and well, _should_ know better.

His team, _Ha!_

That forced a laugh out of his already tired reserves. His team, no, Gibbs' team, don't respect the fact that Gibbs had him there for a reason. No, Tony DiNozzo was nothing more than what they had seen and they teased back. But they had a different intent and that was to hurt him, on purpose even. Why? What gave them the right to be mean, he was never mean to them. Why the hell had he been fighting for the approval of that sort of team?

Yet, of course, he knew why. The dark clouds rolled in over the horizon, looking around for anything to keep him afloat in his own personal hell on the water. The anger had faded, the guilt peaking up again along with the doubt. He'd known Gibbs had been trying to talk to him. But…but he couldn't, it wasn't that easy to trust someone who said one thing but acted a different way outwardly. He knew the doubts were his own but they fought with each other, he wanted to feel comfortable enough around people but didn't trust it could happen and that they wouldn't turn on him. I mean it wasn't like it hadn't happened before. He'd gotten used to it.

Surely, after this, loosing the victim; all his fault, that they'd blame him and leave him. While hope, in essence, had a stronger presence than the fear and doubt, he couldn't stop the doubt taking over, having learned nothing but that in the past.

Over the roaring of the waves, sounds of his own doubts and deep laughter echoed around the emptiness of the night surrounding him. Trying to shake away the laughter, he tried to swim in search for anything to hold on to again, if only to prove the laughter wrong.

'_Give it up; you'll only fail worse later on, may as well stop while you're behind.' _

"No." he spoke, his voice rough from disuse and the freezing air around.

'_Damn it DiNozzo! Fight!' _

That voice, strong, firm, concerned? Maybe? Had brought the light back, only a tiny strand but it was back, but it was flickering. Something was holding it back, holding him back. He could feel the resistance to believe within his own body.

He would quite literally give anything to believe in the concern within the voice, really he would…but, nobody had proven past experiences wrong. Oh there had been a few close to proving them wrong only to have it taken away again. He'd allowed himself to get attached and hated it but needed it; he knew he needed just as Gibbs needed that attachment, no matter how much it hurt them.

Being an ex-cop and now a federal agent he needed to be able to read people and what he had read had only proven his past right, the way they'd seem to act would contradict what they said. And it scared him that they hadn't been genuine in what they said which meant they were lying about something and his own mind would tend to believe the worst.

Oh he knew that he could lash out when he wanted but that was only to stop them getting to close, but then pushing them away was only forcing him further in to his own fractured mind, back behind the walls he'd created long ago. He was in charge of his own reactions, wasn't he, yes, they weren't learned reactions, but he was still in control of them.

Was he self-sabotaging, even if he didn't want to? Even if it meant he'd stay all alone in this hell. But he didn't want to stay any longer; he was tired of being alone, tired of everything. Maybe just one last chance, maybe, he'd let them. Did they deserve it?

Maybe.

Would they show him the same treatment as before?

Maybe.

But the constant voice telling him to fight, Gibbs' voice was strong, concerned. The marine never did anything he didn't want to. All this was over riding the laughter and waves and they calmed. The light grew a little stronger on the horizon. He was exhausted, just wanted to believe again, he could give them one last chance, because that was his nature. He wasn't one to give up, hadn't then and wouldn't now, not when there was still just a strand of hope.

Gibbs' voice was becoming stronger and louder, crushing the waves and bringing the light closer. Blinking the darkness he found him self back in living world and lying on one of the autopsy tables. His blurry vision clearing he saw the whole team in the bright steel room.

Abby looked distraught, pale, tears staining her face. McGee holding on to her for her support as much as she needed his. Ducky was watching over everyone like an uncle or grandparent. Palmer looked very uncomfortable staring around, wondering what was happening. Looking to the other side he saw Ziva watching him silently, a look of understanding and ferocity on her face, one that said she knew what was bothering him and wouldn't talk about it until he let her. He let out a brittle smile for her, her eyes softened and smiled a little back. Looking on both sides again he panicked a little, where was Gibbs? Why wasn't he here, he heard him, hadn't he?

His breathing hitched a little and he tried to get up, wincing at the pain it caused he suddenly felt a hand on his chest.

"Calm it DiNozzo." Ordered a very familiar voice. Clearing the fog that had clouded his vision upon his movement he asked what he usually did when Gibbs creeped up on him.

"How did y…" He was stopped by a glare, one that he was used to but gave him a look over before silence erupted throughout the room.

Nobody knew what to say, what action to take, as if waiting for something to happen….it didn't and the tension only increased, the only sounds in the room were sounds of breathing, Tony's being a little louder than the rest.

Getting uncomfortable with the stillness, Tony made a move to get up but was stopped again by Gibbs.

"Where do you think you're going DiNozzo?" he asked firmly as if nothing had changed, but it had and they all knew it. This is what Tony hated about looking weak after showing a certain image for years. The change. Shrugging Gibbs' hand off him Tony started moving towards the door, everyone looking on in shock at his actions but not knowing what to say.

For some unknown reason, anger reared its ugly head within Tony and the only answer they got before he left was filled with a dark seething they had never heard in Tony before.

"Away from here." And they could only watch as he walked away from them all, pushing them away. _Again._

TBC

_Hmm what is going to happen now, how will they fix all this, why did Tony leave in the first place when they were actually trying to help him? I think just one more chapter to round all this up. Thanks for reading so far and all the reviews. I was actually thinking of a sequel the other day to this as it is before Gibbs retires, it seems such a shame to go through all this and then to know what is going to happen next, would you like the idea of a sequel then?? Let me know. Thanks for reading. _


	20. That Almost Perfect Fit

_Well, here it is, the end of this quite long tag. I really do hope you have all enjoyed reading this as much as I have writing it. I really want to thank everyone who had taken the time to read and to review this story, especially the ones who have reviewed every chapter. Well, on with the final chapter, enjoy. _

**Chapter 20- That Almost Perfect Fit **

Only the sounds of the elevator moving brought Gibbs out of his shock at what had just happened. Moving to follow his agent, he was surprised to find himself stopped, upon turning around he found Abby staring at him, tears pooling in her eyes.

"You can't Gibbs." Her voice was low but everyone was listening intently.

"Why the hell not!?" he practically shouted, causing Abby to jump a little.

"He needs time to figure it out," Seeing a somewhat lost look on Gibbs' face Abby continued, not allowing the tears to fall, "to figure out that we care about him."

"But..er…Abby… he just seemed angry." McGee piped up, he wasn't at all sure he knew what Abby was getting at.

"That was because he thought we thought he was weak and saw how we looked at him, he thinks we'd treat him differently and he doesn't want that."

"Then what does he want Abbs?" Asked an annoyed Gibbs, nothing seemed to be getting through to Tony at the moment.

"I believe that even _he_ does not know what he wants _or_ needs, Jethro." Ducky replied, placing a calming hand on Gibbs' shoulder.

"So what do we do?" Gibbs looked towards the team, hoping beyond anything that they had a plan. Nobody moved a muscle, just staring briefly at each other, Gibbs watched as Abby gave Ziva a slight nod of her head.

"I believe that another dinner festivity is required, yes?" she wondered a little nervously.

"It's party, and how would that help, it was your little party last time that got us here." Gibbs snapped at her. He didn't usually correct her but he'd had enough at her seeming to want to split the team apart.

"Wait Gibbs; give her a chance to explain." Abby interrupted before Gibbs continued to rip into Ziva. Sending a glare to Ziva then looking towards Abby, his glare softened when he saw a sparkle to Abby's eyes that had nothing to do with the tears he'd seen previously.

After the plan had been explained fully Gibbs calmed and really hoped it would work. It was the only thing they had left, he tried as had Abby in the hospital but it obviously hadn't been enough, he figured, only the person would had caused it could fix it with the help of the others. On their way out he called the director to tell her what was happing and to get other agents to wrap up the case, they could finish their reports later. At the moment, finding Tony was more important to them.

***

Stepping out of the warmth of headquarters and into the bitter chill of the night air, he wondered what the hell he'd just done. They'd all been there, showing that they cared. Yet, he still had a hard time believing it. They couldn't, shouldn't care….but they did. You couldn't have faked the looks of shock and concern that well in such a short amount of time if they didn't actually care.

Something within him was screaming at him to go back, let them talk, let them say their piece and _then _make his decision. But he couldn't, not after he'd just thrown all their care and concern back in their faces.

_Damn it all!_ He'd messed it all up again. But it had only been his normal reaction to people finding out. They'd treat him differently now they knew he was weak. But that's what he wanted wasn't it, no, to at least be noticed but nothing else would have to change. Hell, he didn't even know what he wanted anymore.

Clenching his fists, he moved away from the building, away from them so he couldn't do anything to them anymore. Leaving would have hurt Abby and he didn't want that, never wanted that. He was sorry but he just needed time to think clearly, to get away from the oppressive atmosphere of autopsy, to think without everyone needing an answer.

Because he surely didn't have any answers for them. He barely had any answers for himself. The voices in his head and long since worn themselves out and he was just simply left alone to figure everything out. Walking slowly he wasn't aware of where he was going; he was just walking without an aim or reason.

The only sound above the silence of his mind he could hear was his own slow breathing, the anger had faded now he was alone, there was nowhere to aim it at really. Was there? It wasn't their fault, was it? No and he knew it. Only he could make the next move, take the next step. But he wasn't sure what to do; they'd proven what he wanted them to. What more could he ask of them, maybe to tell him why they'd done what they had. Maybe, he just needed them to apologise in their own way.

Would it make it all better? No, but he could learn to trust them again, had to at least give them a chance. A slight twinge in his side threw his thoughts back to the hospital visit with Gibbs and Abby. They knew him more than the others with the exception of Ducky of course, they known how to calm him then; they'd stayed and not judged him when he had looked weaker than he had before. Maybe he could give them this chance, but…

… But what if he gave them all the chance and they destroyed it again. Why not, it had happened before, what was stopping it from happening again. He growled deep within his throat, if you never gave anyone a chance, you'd never get anything more than you had. Forcing himself out of his thoughts and doubts he walked in the direction of his apartment, he'd speak to them tomorrow. He just needed to work everything out tonight, surely they could understand that.

Arriving at his apartment, Tony hesitated. There is was again, that voice screaming at him to go back, or at least find them to talk to them, but he couldn't, not yet. Turning the key in his lock he opened the door slowly, expecting to be met with darkness and nothing, just expecting to be alone.

What he wasn't expecting was the smell of delicious food to waft past his senses as he stepped in. Shocked, he observed the _whole_ team in _his_ apartment, Abby and Ziva pottering around in his kitchen, Ducky, McGee, and even Palmer setting his dinner table. Looking around again at his open plan living space and kitchen he searched for the one person that was missing. Gibbs.

When the door had opened everyone had stopped what they were doing and looked towards Tony, Tony stared back, shock still written on his face. He couldn't believe that they cared enough to do this, even after he'd walked out on them, leaving them all to finish the case and turning his back on them.

An uncomfortable silence stretched time out, causing the welcoming smiles to falter a little. Nobody spoke, not really knowing what to say.

Tony swivelled around at the sound of his door opening again, in stepped Gibbs. Gibbs simple stepped past him and gave him a tap on the head, albeit a little gentler than usually and gruffly stated,

"You're late, DiNozzo." Tony didn't need to face Gibbs to know that there was a small smile playing upon his lips as his spoke. Still shocked, Tony stuttered out a response.

"But….how did you….why?" to his surprise it wasn't Gibbs that answered, it wasn't even Abby, it was Ziva. She stepped up to him and gently place her hand on his cheek, looking deeply into his eyes, conveying what she knew about him and for some reason he didn't even seem bothered that she did. Well he had guessed she knew about his father anyway because of the files and for some reason the look in her eyes told him to trust her with it, and that she wouldn't speak about it until he wanted.

"I am sorry Tony, I never meant to hurt you the way I did." He looked away for a moment, looking towards the rest of the team, they each had a look about them saying how truly sorry they were. But he still couldn't get rid of the doubt that held him back.

He wanted to ask why she did it, honestly he did, but he wasn't sure he actually wanted the answer. Before he could do anything, Ziva spoke again, answering his question.

"I have learned not to judge a novel by its cover." Everyone seemed to be waiting on his response, tension filled the room, and the soft music being played was the only thing that was heard.

Tony knew everything was depending on his answer to a question that was being thought, but not asked. They were asking for a chance to prove that they cared, that much he was certain of. A moment more passed and he couldn't resist his next comment.

"It book Ziva, not to judge a book by its cover." His voice seemed relieved, the tension dissipated and everyone smiled at him warmly. Abby ran at him and squealed.

"We are sooo sorry Tony." she repeated a few times as she tightened her hug.

"Abs, I can't breathe." He rasped out. But she still held on.

"Abby, put him down before you suffocate him." Gibbs warned with a smile on his face.

Tony just watched as everyone got back to what they had been doing. Gibbs had brought a few chairs over from his and finished setting the table. Tony walked to his bedroom for a little while to get his feelings and emotions straightened out a little. Gibbs followed and Tony couldn't resist a question he'd first asked.

"Boss, why?" Gibbs looked a little puzzled at the question.

"Why, what DiNozzo?" Gibbs could still see the uncertainty within his agent and wished that he could get rid of it, but he also knew that it would never all go away.

"All this, the dinner party?" Gibbs smiled confidently and warmly, he walked up to Tony and placed a hand on the back of his neck, in a fatherly gesture.

"Because we're family, DiNozzo. You're stuck with us whether you like it or not, got it." Tony wanted to argue with him but their actions had proven what Gibbs had just said right. Tony nodded in response.

"Come on DiNozzo, lets not keep the family waiting." Gibbs smiled again, Tony was actually liking this side of Gibbs. They hadn't changed how they acted towards him, and he found that this new feeling of being cared for wasn't as scary as before. Gibbs watched the message finally settle into his agent and started to move out of the room. He almost laughed at Tony's next comment.

"Some dysfunctional family, eh boss." The joy had returned to Tony voice and posture. Walking out of his room, he smiled at the team who had settled at his dinner table, they all smiled back and invited both him and Gibbs to join them.

They all enjoyed the meal Ziva and Abby had cooked, shared stories, told him how they had gotten there bore him and even laughed a little. As the night wore on Tony started to feel comfortable with the team again, nothing seemed to have changed except for them all actually seeming more like a family than they had before, and for the first time after Kate's death.

Tony would be fooling himself if he thought the doubts would magically disappear though, he knew from experience that they wouldn't, but they'd quieten and be almost none existent for a long while hopefully. For now, that was good enough for him. At the moment he had a family that he cared for and who cared for him. That was all he could ask for.

The end

_Well I hope you all like the ending, I really loved writing this and I hope you all liked reading it. Please review and let me know what you thought of it. thanks again to everyone who stuck with this story and reviewed. _


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